Wedding planning begins.

The wedding planning dance.

I love Alan, and I can't wait to marry him, and I'm psyched that he is excited about throwing the biggest party of our lives together. He loves parties, he loves weddings, and he's into the pirate theme we have decided to go with (SURPRISE if you didn't already know, lol).

But it is a bit stressing to think about the fact that here I am, planning another wedding. And this one is so far off from here that some of the planning seems so silly to worry about now! Hell, I haven't even gotten a chance to ask all my bridesmaids yet. (I might just call them crew members, I haven't decided yet. XD ) I don't have even the slightest clue what kind of budget we're going to get to work with, or what kind of venue.

And then I get a bit bummed or depressed about it. Which is so weird. It feels so far away. What the hell is wrong with me???

Before Alan proposed, I felt like it might never happen. And then it finally did! Sure, I'm betting a lot of readers (HA, a lot of readers, who am I kidding???) are thinking "Two years isn't that long." As mentioned in previous posts, as irrational as I know this part of my brain is/was, it was certainly very loud to scream "HURRY UP AND GET MARRIED TO PROVE YOU'RE NOT DEFECTIVE!!!!"
Ugh. Damaged much?
Anyways, now that we're engaged, we have a date, a theme, our colors picked, I realize, I still have a long time before we reach that date. A long time before I'm done with school, before we have a chance at being somewhere close to buying a home, me getting a job in my field that pays enough for us to afford a house....

And then, I reread that last paragraph and laugh at myself. Sure it's slightly because I am slap happy from staying up until 2:30 after finishing a paper due tomorrow, but really, I'm just being silly. Most days I look around and realize how ridiculously lucky I am and how ludicrously happy I am. I let these obnoxious little thoughts creep into my head. Thoughts of how I'm not good enough unless I prove some point about not being defective. After years of being told how messed up you are, you begin to believe it. So now I have to find that happy balance between rushing out and "OMG WEDDING STUFF NOW NEED DRESS AND FLOWERS AND WTF IS GOING ON WITH THE DUDES OUTFITS????" and not doing anything at all. The first few weeks I went out & joined a few wedding communities online, and since my intros, I haven't really done anything else on them yet.

Because I have no clue what's going on yet.
I guess that's ok. :)