Monday, September 17, 2012

Same Dance, New Partner?

Anyone who knows me know that I love planning parties. Themed parties, dinner parties, holiday parties, fires in the backyard, birthday parties, dorm parties, housewarming parties.... I've got parties on parties on parties, yo.

And what is a wedding, but a huge party? Probably the HUGEST party you're supposed to throw your whole life, right?

But... I already did that. I put in a year's worth of work into that party, I planned and coordinated, and kept all the details in line. I cried, I lamented, I rejoiced and I swelled with pride over that party. And I was so relieved when it was over, but I was so glad we had done it.
And then, of course, the marriage failed. So... ya know... there's that.

And now, I am so excited. I get so twitterpated when I think about how much Alan loves me, and how much I love him. It's wonderful. And when I think about the wedding, I get really psyched. Pirate wedding. FUCK YEAH! What's not to love???

I'll tell you what's not to love. All the planning. I am NOT looking forward to the work this time around. I'm tired. I'm doing 18 credit hours at school this semester, I will be doing 17, including an internship, next semester. I also work about 25-30 hours a week (though they are supposed to be cutting it to no more than 25 soon I hope), and I still have to find time to not lose my mind without any social interaction. Wedding planning just seems like such a hassle this time around. And that bums me out. I'm a class act when it comes to throwing a good party, especially themed parties. And we have the deposit, I love the venue, so why can't I get excited about planning this time around??

I really think it's because I've already done this once. And especially because of how up in flames my marriage to X went, I feel like I wasted all that energy. And planning a second wedding isn't the same. It's just not. Because no matter how happy I am, no matter how much I believe in Alan, I know there are people out there (you know who you are) who are just waiting to see me fail again, who are judging my every choice and move hoping to see me flail around and lose again. Divorce isn't the end of the world, but it certainly changes everyone's perception of you. I don't.... feel divorced. I don't even know how you WOULD feel divorced. Maybe if there was more time put in or children or something, but I don't genuinely feel divorced. I don't feel like I was ever married before. But no matter what, that fail will live on in people's perception of me. And I feel like I'm kind of a joke, planning a second wedding at age 26 (27 by the wedding). I assume this is why so many people opt for the smaller, less extravagant weddings if it's their second time? They don't want to deal with all the fuss? Or they already did that once? I don't know. But I do know that Alan wants a wedding, and really so do I. I think our love deserves a great big pirate party. I think we deserve the beauty and pictures and gathering of all the friends that have helped make this relationship what it is and have rooted for me and for us this whole way. And for the family that has loved me through all of the awfulness before and all the joy I have now. They deserve it, we deserve, and god damn it, we're going to have it!

But really... I'm not looking to planning another wedding.
I know some of my readers are divorcees like myself. Opinions? Thoughts?