Friday, August 5, 2011

What is wrong with me?

I don't know what it is, but I am super emotional tonight.

I'm not sure why I keep feeling this need to rush forward. There's no reason for it! Maybe as we get older we feel the pressure to meet invisible deadlines more, but I can't help that my brain keeps screaming for babies and engagement rings and wedding planning. This is getting out of hand. I love Alan, I'm so happy with him, and he is so great to me. So why am I so worried about when we will get married and when he'll propose?

I think I'm so self conscious about my last marriage. I just keep assuming people don't take my relationship with Alan seriously. Which is hilariously ignorant because ANYONE who spends a good enough deal of time with us can see how serious Alan and I are about each other. My friends often comment to me about what a great guy he is or what a great couple we are. My mom even wrote us a cute letter for Valentine's Day about what a great couple we are. I know we're a great match. But my mind is so addled with self-doubt thanks to failing so very epically at this before. Sometimes I forget that I'm divorced. It's so easy to feel like it never happened. I don't forget that I was married, but somehow the divorced part likes to pretend it's not there in my memories. Was it so traumatic that my mind just bleeps it out, like some super sized swear word? We all know what happened, but it was too profane for public consumption. My ex has become some huge expletive in my mind's eye, a series of characters we type by using shift and the number keys. But even with that momentary amnesia, I still seem to feel this pressure to prove that I AM marriage material, that I am a good wife.

My brain just wants to prove to everyone that it wasn't my fault.
Sure, marriage takes two, and as I've said before, I'm not perfect. I had my shortcomings. But that situation was so obviously ludicrous. He sent me across the gorram country to call me on the phone and leave me! He didn't even try. We weren't a good match, that much is obvious to most anyone, but for crying out loud, he didn't even lift a finger. He couldn't be bothered to turn away from his computer long enough to look at me and our marriage or even our relationship before we were married to see what he didn't like and realize that marriage wasn't going to work.

So my panic button is going off big time these days, like I'm in some kind of contest to show everyone that I'm not broken. My grandpa isn't helping, every time I see him it's another question about when I'll get my shit together. When I'll be done with college, when I'll be having kids, when I'll be married. I avoid seeing him for those reasons. But I'm tired of this guilt.

So I'm here on the internet to tell the whole world that I'm not broken. I'm a great girlfriend, and someday I'll be an awesome wife. I'm still young, I'm not too old to accomplish all the things I'm working on now and all the things I plan to work on in the future. I'm full of potential and for once I have a boyfriend who encourages me in everything I take on, whether I follow through with it or not! I'm a whole person, I don't need these things to make me happy, but they sure are nice.

I should thank that man more often for everything he does for me.