Stepping forward, never back.

In the last week, I've experienced some stuff.

Yeah. That was SUPER descriptive. XD

So on Saturday, Alan decided to head out of town for a beer tasting event. They were getting a hotel and staying the night. I was not looking forward to spending the evening alone, BUT I was going to be closing at work that night, then opening again the following morning, so time spent alone pretty minimal besides sleeping.
However, as the evening at work wore on, I began to experience large amounts of pain for seemingly no reason, so my manager sent me home. I called a friend to stay the night in case I needed to go to the ER, but I was so sure it was some kind of muscle thing, as was Alan. In the morning, I felt ok, but still sore, so I called off to play it safe, no need to stress it. Once Alan arrived home, I woke up a second time, feeling pretty awful again, so we headed to an urgent care facility. From there, they told us I had some kind of gall bladder inflammation, and didn't want to waste any of my time, get to the ER and get an ultrasound.

Joy.

We spent the next 7 1/2 hours in the ER, they poked me, prodded me, took fluids, xrays, ultrasounds, blah blah blah. They didn't do much really except say "Yup. It's your gall bladder. Here's some pain meds. Eat a bland diet. Talk to a surgeon. It might have to come out."

Thanks, that was helpful.

Regardless, the entire experience, including my recovery the day after and other days following, and Alan's behavior the entire time has shown me once again what a great man he is.

But that in and of itself is showing me something great. I used to think that making steps backwards or sliding backwards from time to time was normal in a relationship. I'm not saying that we don't make mistakes or something, but Alan and I have never taken steps back. We always make progress, or stand still for a while. We take a step up the ladder, and maybe we'll hang out on that rung a while, but we won't go backwards. There's nothing there for us! We have about a week left to get our duplex packed as we move into our new home. OURS. And it just keeps looking like we are stepping forwards.

My entire experience with X always seemed like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Progress was slow when it happened, which was sporadic at best. We would address an issue only for it to come up again a few months down the line. So much frustration built up that I think even though we believed we loved each other, we totally resented one another at the same time. It didn't help that expectations were never the same or that they weren't clear either. It's so frustrating when I see myself expecting behaviors that X exhibited when Alan has never been like him, but it's so ingrained in me now that I don't know how else to react sometimes.

Alan came to see me at work yesterday. I told him I was feeling depressed, and I just didn't know why. He said that we needed to have a talk about optimism, and that I need to not worry about packing. He claims he's going to take care of all of it. I need to focus on getting better, getting my dress made for a wedding we're attending this weekend, and getting finals all wrapped up at school. He came to work just to cheer me up and tell me it's all going to be ok. And when I got home from work that night, the dining room was half empty and the living room as well. He really hauled ass. XD

<3

Always moving forward.

The Name Dilemma

This dilemma might be unique for me since it's not an issue of having kids with a certain last name or anything... but I haven't yet decided what I want to do about my last name.

I love the idea of taking Alan's name, but (no offense, dearest love) I am not really all that attached to his name in particular. There's nothing really wrong with it, and it's certainly more Irish than my own. Or according to a name website Welsh.... Hm. Either way, my current last name is German, which, I'm actually not very much German as much as I am Irish. EITHER WAY, here's the deal.

When my mom married dad, she decided to hyphenate her name. Throughout my life, this question, when I asked her, was answered several different ways. But to this day, the idea of hyphenating a long name into becoming a ridiculously long name has continued to baffle me. But the idea BEHIND it did always make sense to me. Why does a woman have to change her name? The short of it, she doesn't. However, growing up, I wasn't terribly attached to my last name. So when I married X, I had no qualms about taking his last name. But, of course, when he left me, I certainly had no desire to keep that name. It was so uncomfortable for me to have it. But I didn't want to go back to the ridiculously long name I'd had before. So in the proceedings, I asked the judge if it would be possible to take just my dad's last name. It's shorter, it suits me, and I resemble his side of the family just a bit more than I do my mom's. The judge didn't see why not, and I got the name I had wanted since I was a kid (sans a middle name, but that's another story). I knew that someday I would marry again, but until then, this was much simpler.

But now coming to that decision again, I find myself more reluctant to take on my new husband-to-be's name. My last name now is actually a result of everything I have been through. I feel like I really truly own it, and I'm so hesitant to give it up. But I also know how much it would mean to Alan if I took his name. And yes, I did try to convince him to take my name instead, but that was put to rest rather quickly. He has said that he won't mind if I don't take his name, but I very much want some kind of united family name. So I don't know just yet what I want to do.

Thoughts? *Please do leave me comments, and leave them here, on my blog!!*

Something beautiful.

Just....  This makes my heart all a flutter for so many reasons. I did cry. I immediately ran into the other room and hugged him when he posted this. (It was a post I started by talking about the Pagan roots of Easter's celebrations and being frustrated and isolated by Christians all posting about Easter. Some people took it as me complaining about Christians and I got very frustrated.)

He's the best. I don't NEED a knight to come & save me, but it's nice when you have one standing beside you in the fight. <3