Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Wedding planning begins.

The wedding planning dance.

I love Alan, and I can't wait to marry him, and I'm psyched that he is excited about throwing the biggest party of our lives together. He loves parties, he loves weddings, and he's into the pirate theme we have decided to go with (SURPRISE if you didn't already know, lol).

But it is a bit stressing to think about the fact that here I am, planning another wedding. And this one is so far off from here that some of the planning seems so silly to worry about now! Hell, I haven't even gotten a chance to ask all my bridesmaids yet. (I might just call them crew members, I haven't decided yet. XD ) I don't have even the slightest clue what kind of budget we're going to get to work with, or what kind of venue.

And then I get a bit bummed or depressed about it. Which is so weird. It feels so far away. What the hell is wrong with me???

Before Alan proposed, I felt like it might never happen. And then it finally did! Sure, I'm betting a lot of readers (HA, a lot of readers, who am I kidding???) are thinking "Two years isn't that long." As mentioned in previous posts, as irrational as I know this part of my brain is/was, it was certainly very loud to scream "HURRY UP AND GET MARRIED TO PROVE YOU'RE NOT DEFECTIVE!!!!"
Ugh. Damaged much?
Anyways, now that we're engaged, we have a date, a theme, our colors picked, I realize, I still have a long time before we reach that date. A long time before I'm done with school, before we have a chance at being somewhere close to buying a home, me getting a job in my field that pays enough for us to afford a house....

And then, I reread that last paragraph and laugh at myself. Sure it's slightly because I am slap happy from staying up until 2:30 after finishing a paper due tomorrow, but really, I'm just being silly. Most days I look around and realize how ridiculously lucky I am and how ludicrously happy I am. I let these obnoxious little thoughts creep into my head. Thoughts of how I'm not good enough unless I prove some point about not being defective. After years of being told how messed up you are, you begin to believe it. So now I have to find that happy balance between rushing out and "OMG WEDDING STUFF NOW NEED DRESS AND FLOWERS AND WTF IS GOING ON WITH THE DUDES OUTFITS????" and not doing anything at all. The first few weeks I went out & joined a few wedding communities online, and since my intros, I haven't really done anything else on them yet.

Because I have no clue what's going on yet.
I guess that's ok. :)

Friday, January 13, 2012

Just a quick post!

For any of you out there reading this that might be experiencing your own marital issues like separation or divorce, while scouring the wonderful Offbeat Bride site, I came across this two-part article that I wish had been around when I was going through this. Some advice is better than the rest, but overall its just a good chronicling of someone else's experiences. Hopefully someone will find this useful.

Offbeat Divorce, Part 1: The Struggling
Offbeat Divorce, Part 2: The Separating

And for anyone looking for rad unusual wedding ideas, the main website this is on, Offbeat Bride is super helpful. :)

Thursday, January 12, 2012

So it begins.

With the ringing in of the new year with my happy news and super engaged high, there was a rather fast crash back to Earth.

First, we found a chip in my amethyst, so we had to send my ring back. Boo. I should have it back by January 24th, but still.... I miss it.

Second, it was brought to my attention, and I'm sure I would have seen it sooner rather than later even if it hadn't been pointed out to me, that people are already wondering whether "this one will work out." From what I can see or understand, it's not something anyone will outright say, they just keep implying it. And of course no one will say it directly to me either.

This was, in the beginning, the real purpose for starting this blog. I was worried about exactly these kinds of things since I was pretty sure that's where Alan & I were headed. But it's still very bothersome and upsetting, even if I knew it was coming.

It's disappointing. I have come so very far from where I was when I married X and where I was when he left me. I'm not near the same person. First off, my self-esteem is amazing, so I know I'm not marrying Alan out of some misguided idea that I can't do any better. Now, I really can't do any better because there is no one in the world that would love me near the same as Alan does, but it's not the same idea.

And the idea that I didn't learn from my last experience is a little insulting.
People break up all the time. People have relationships that don't work out, but no one holds that against anyone starting a new one or marrying someone. I realize that the fact that I married my ex does hold a little more weight, but that still doesn't doom me to some 50/50 chance of failing the next one. While divorce rates are really high in this country, I don't imagine that any of us who have been divorced really ever want to repeat the mistake or the painful process of going to court to admit you failed. It was honestly so humiliating to sit in a court room while X and his cracker jack box lawyer took charge and I was powerless to really do anything because I don't know shit about anything legal. I have no desire to ever repeat the process of telling everyone that I made a mistake and carrying the guilt of how everyone pulled together to create an amazing wedding and bought us tons of gifts only to turn around and get divorced. I am not ignorant to the whisperings and rumblings going on about me.

On the other hand, there are those that mean well. I have gotten a lot of comments like "This guy is so much better," or "You deserve this!" after Alan proposed. I know the comments mean well, and I take all the good intentions and just relish them. But I suppose it's just the nature of my history that people will compare my ex to Alan, at least for a while. I'm hoping that someday no one will even think of the fact that I've been divorced. Obviously for those that have known me a long time, it will likely never fade completely, but a good example in my mind is actually Alan's older brother. He was married once before, and like myself, the marriage didn't yield any children, so there aren't any visible left overs from this fact. I often forget, even though I know the story, that he was ever married before his wife. Sometimes it pops up in conversation, but it's so easy to forget. So I hope that someday my marriage to Alan will seem so natural and right that people will start to forget about my previous marriage.

Because I'm a bit tired of living under it's shadow.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year!

My new year began with something I didn't have last year.

A ring!

Yesterday was going down the tubes, I was so late getting home for Alan & I to head off to his last family holiday celebration, as I had been out buying his anniversary present. And my friend had gone out with me to help me pick this gift, and then insisted he buy me a nice dress for my anniversary dinner later that night, which, among other things, made me very late. Due to being late, I was speeding on the way home and got pulled over. I immediately started blubbering, and not because I was trying to get out of the ticket (tho the cop felt so bad, he might have let me off if I wasn't going 15 over), and I sat there blubbering about how mad Alan was going to be. The cop asked what I was doing out in Belden and I began bawling all over as I said "Buying his anniversary gift!" The cop said he couldn't be that mad, and I knew he had to be mad, he hadn't answered any of my texts when I texted him to say I'd been pulled over.

I finally got home, almost a full 40 min late and I walk in the door still sniveling and sobbing. Alan hugs me and says it's ok, to just go get ready because we're late. As I'm getting ready, he tells me I have to find my anniversary gift because he didn't feel like wrapping it, and hands me an envelope. He then sends me on a goose hunt for more envelopes around our home, each one containing a clue about something we like or some joke we have. The last few send me to the basement, and the last clue is in our Nerf gun collection. It sends me back upstairs, to which I turn the corner at the top of the stairs and he was on one knee.

I, of course, said yes.

We then went to see his family, then out to dinner with our friends, and back home to ring in the new year with more friends.

Yeah, I got my first speeding ticket, but I also got engaged.

We're getting married!!!!!

So, to make this slightly more relevant to overall theme of this blog, I do want to say how happy and heart warming it was to see the "likes" and comments roll in on facebook when we posted it and the picture of the ring. I was so touched and taken aback by how much support there was. And it seems so silly, but again, after having been engaged & married before, I was so nervous that everyone would think I was crying wolf again. But the outpouring of support just made me tear up again. :)

I called my best friend to tell her the news, and after that I texted her the picture. She texted me back to say how happy she & her mom are for me after all that I've been through. But, to be honest, it's not been much more than many other young people. Even if mine included a divorce, many other people have dealt with similar stuff without the legal issues. But it does reassure me that if you use your experiences to learn and build yourself, and to soak it in, rather than let it beat you down into a bitter, angry person, that things will get better. It's all in your attitude, and your attitude is what will bring bigger and better things your way.

I'm so happy I could start crying again. <3

Edited to add: I keep forgetting to mention this, since it's on the inside and I can't see it, but Alan had the ring inscribed with a line from our song. It says "I'll never let you go," from Starlight by Muse. <3