With the ringing in of the new year with my happy news and super engaged high, there was a rather fast crash back to Earth.
First, we found a chip in my amethyst, so we had to send my ring back. Boo. I should have it back by January 24th, but still.... I miss it.
Second, it was brought to my attention, and I'm sure I would have seen it sooner rather than later even if it hadn't been pointed out to me, that people are already wondering whether "this one will work out." From what I can see or understand, it's not something anyone will outright say, they just keep implying it. And of course no one will say it directly to me either.
This was, in the beginning, the real purpose for starting this blog. I was worried about exactly these kinds of things since I was pretty sure that's where Alan & I were headed. But it's still very bothersome and upsetting, even if I knew it was coming.
It's disappointing. I have come so very far from where I was when I married X and where I was when he left me. I'm not near the same person. First off, my self-esteem is amazing, so I know I'm not marrying Alan out of some misguided idea that I can't do any better. Now, I really can't do any better because there is no one in the world that would love me near the same as Alan does, but it's not the same idea.
And the idea that I didn't learn from my last experience is a little insulting.
People break up all the time. People have relationships that don't work out, but no one holds that against anyone starting a new one or marrying someone. I realize that the fact that I married my ex does hold a little more weight, but that still doesn't doom me to some 50/50 chance of failing the next one. While divorce rates are really high in this country, I don't imagine that any of us who have been divorced really ever want to repeat the mistake or the painful process of going to court to admit you failed. It was honestly so humiliating to sit in a court room while X and his cracker jack box lawyer took charge and I was powerless to really do anything because I don't know shit about anything legal. I have no desire to ever repeat the process of telling everyone that I made a mistake and carrying the guilt of how everyone pulled together to create an amazing wedding and bought us tons of gifts only to turn around and get divorced. I am not ignorant to the whisperings and rumblings going on about me.
On the other hand, there are those that mean well. I have gotten a lot of comments like "This guy is so much better," or "You deserve this!" after Alan proposed. I know the comments mean well, and I take all the good intentions and just relish them. But I suppose it's just the nature of my history that people will compare my ex to Alan, at least for a while. I'm hoping that someday no one will even think of the fact that I've been divorced. Obviously for those that have known me a long time, it will likely never fade completely, but a good example in my mind is actually Alan's older brother. He was married once before, and like myself, the marriage didn't yield any children, so there aren't any visible left overs from this fact. I often forget, even though I know the story, that he was ever married before his wife. Sometimes it pops up in conversation, but it's so easy to forget. So I hope that someday my marriage to Alan will seem so natural and right that people will start to forget about my previous marriage.
Because I'm a bit tired of living under it's shadow.