Thursday, January 12, 2012

So it begins.

With the ringing in of the new year with my happy news and super engaged high, there was a rather fast crash back to Earth.

First, we found a chip in my amethyst, so we had to send my ring back. Boo. I should have it back by January 24th, but still.... I miss it.

Second, it was brought to my attention, and I'm sure I would have seen it sooner rather than later even if it hadn't been pointed out to me, that people are already wondering whether "this one will work out." From what I can see or understand, it's not something anyone will outright say, they just keep implying it. And of course no one will say it directly to me either.

This was, in the beginning, the real purpose for starting this blog. I was worried about exactly these kinds of things since I was pretty sure that's where Alan & I were headed. But it's still very bothersome and upsetting, even if I knew it was coming.

It's disappointing. I have come so very far from where I was when I married X and where I was when he left me. I'm not near the same person. First off, my self-esteem is amazing, so I know I'm not marrying Alan out of some misguided idea that I can't do any better. Now, I really can't do any better because there is no one in the world that would love me near the same as Alan does, but it's not the same idea.

And the idea that I didn't learn from my last experience is a little insulting.
People break up all the time. People have relationships that don't work out, but no one holds that against anyone starting a new one or marrying someone. I realize that the fact that I married my ex does hold a little more weight, but that still doesn't doom me to some 50/50 chance of failing the next one. While divorce rates are really high in this country, I don't imagine that any of us who have been divorced really ever want to repeat the mistake or the painful process of going to court to admit you failed. It was honestly so humiliating to sit in a court room while X and his cracker jack box lawyer took charge and I was powerless to really do anything because I don't know shit about anything legal. I have no desire to ever repeat the process of telling everyone that I made a mistake and carrying the guilt of how everyone pulled together to create an amazing wedding and bought us tons of gifts only to turn around and get divorced. I am not ignorant to the whisperings and rumblings going on about me.

On the other hand, there are those that mean well. I have gotten a lot of comments like "This guy is so much better," or "You deserve this!" after Alan proposed. I know the comments mean well, and I take all the good intentions and just relish them. But I suppose it's just the nature of my history that people will compare my ex to Alan, at least for a while. I'm hoping that someday no one will even think of the fact that I've been divorced. Obviously for those that have known me a long time, it will likely never fade completely, but a good example in my mind is actually Alan's older brother. He was married once before, and like myself, the marriage didn't yield any children, so there aren't any visible left overs from this fact. I often forget, even though I know the story, that he was ever married before his wife. Sometimes it pops up in conversation, but it's so easy to forget. So I hope that someday my marriage to Alan will seem so natural and right that people will start to forget about my previous marriage.

Because I'm a bit tired of living under it's shadow.

8 comments:

  1. From my perspective: "Yay, Alan popped the question! That ring is cool. I hope I get to be a bridesmaid." For obvious reasons I know about your past but it doesn't really register as complete reality. You were young and made a mistake, now you are wiser. You did learn from it, unlike some people. I can tell. So this is the real deal and I'm so happy for you guys! I'm sure everyone will get use to it and forget there was anything else. Especially once you start thinking of it less and less.<3

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    1. That's part of what I'm hoping. So many of my friends now didn't know me back then, so that helps a ton, but it seems there are people now that still don't technically know me, only by reputation that are rumbling.

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  2. I can sadly say I'm in the same situation, and I'm sick of being treated that way too! Especially after being divorced so young, and getting married shortly. I totally relate, and I'm sorry! I hope it gets better and that with time things get smoother :) Best of luck!

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    1. It's rough and sometimes it feels so dumb because it was so short I sometimes forget I was divorced. It's so irritating.

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    2. Right? Same with mine...And most of the time, we weren't even living together (I was forced to live on campus at my old school for scholarship reasons) so it didn't seem like we were...It was 8 months before we separated (then another 16 to get the divorce to happen!) so it was like we weren't together at all. But alas, people still judge because the marriage happened at all, and we're stuck with it even long after its over! Sorry you're having to deal with it :/

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    3. Mine happened so flippin fast after he left me because he pushed and pushed and pushed me to hurry up. He wanted out fast, he already had someone lined up. I get so mad because I got stuck w/ being a divorcee, but he's the one that didn't think the whole thing through. Derp.

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  3. I think you are ready and this blog is very helpful for healing, overall you can do it!

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    1. Thank you. :) That's what I'm trying to go for here, is helpful.

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