Friday, May 20, 2011

"Might as well be engaged?"

I wouldn't say we're at an awkward stage in our relationship, but it is a bit of a limbo. Alan and I have been together a year & 5 months now, been living together officially for 5 months, unofficially for about 7. We're very close, comfortable, and spend a lot more time than I realize together. We talk all the time, including about the future. We're not uncomfortable talking about getting married, when we'd have kids, what we want, etc. We've even looked at rings. But we're not engaged yet. Alan's even said that he IS going to marry me.... but we're not there yet. I don't feel like saying we're dating is a proper term anymore, but we're not engaged either.

So why the wait?

Well a lot of this is his doing. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no hurry to move things too fast and mess it all up again. I love Alan and I'm willing to do what is necessary to make sure this all works out. But if Alan asked me tomorrow, you bet your ass I'd say yes.

But that's the thing, isn't it? I have been through this before. And Alan's such a great guy! But no matter how awesome he is, or we are as a couple, there's no race! I have to keep reminding myself that there's no hurry, there's no reason we have go get married tomorrow. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and no matter how much I want it now, self restraint is a virtue I need to learn better anyways. I'm not saying that if we're still together in 3 years and there's still no ring I'm gonna keep waiting around (I really doubt that would happen, lol), but why the rush??? Maybe it's because I screwed up before, I feel like landing a good marriage faster will make up for it. Or maybe it's all my friends around me getting engaged and/or married and rushing into it so fast, I feel like I have to run faster to prove some kind of illogical point. Every time I see a couple that moves too fast when it comes to getting engaged or married. I cringe. I don't think ALL of them will fail, but it's not the wisest move either. So why am I not cringing at myself every time I think I want to be engaged ASAP?

We have the hardest time criticizing ourselves. We can make a million excuses why it's ok if we do the things we judge others for doing. Even with my life experience AND the fact that (as mentioned previously) I was pissy with the fact that X was engaged so quickly, I still want to barrel headfirst into something.

And I'm sure that this entry won't end my want for a proposal as soon as possible, and I'm sure I'll still hint and tease Alan about being engaged, but my rational self will chide my immature self, and Alan will just laugh affectionately and tell me to calm down and be patient. And I will. (For a little while at least.)

In the mean time, I'll still be wondering and waiting to see what he has planned. Because I know Alan, and I know he's making some kind of plan. <3

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