Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Crying "Wedding!!"

"The tale concerns a shepherd boy who tricks nearby villagers into thinking a wolf is attacking his flock. He repeats this so many times that when the sheep are actually confronted by a wolf, the villagers do not believe his cries for help and the flock is destroyed."
From Wikipedia on "The Boy Who Cried Wolf."

Sure. It's not a perfect analogy. I've only been married once, and those who are close to me know I'm not going to be some "repeat offender." But the stigma is still there in my head. I can't stop the list that runs through my head when it comes to this in conversation.

And what happens when I do finally get married again someday.
I know better than most that plans can change in an instant. I love Alan, and while I'm pretty sure we're going to get married, I'm not banking on it. I always remind myself that we're not engaged and not to jump the gun. But it doesn't stop me from thinking about it, and I do know that someday I will get married again, whether or not that's to Alan. And then I'm going to have to walk on eggshells about that wedding, making sure it doesn't call back images of my last wedding. And will people even come? I've already asked them to do this once, and it's supposed to be a once in a lifetime thing, why would they come again???

I know, as a rational adult, that this is silly. That the people who matter won't care, and the people who care don't matter. But I still worry about all these things. Especially when I remember how so many people went out of their way to attend, help with, or contribute to my first wedding. I feel like I couldn't possibly ask that of people again. My best friend isn't supposed to be my MOH twice. That's weird. And I'm pretty sure that I'll be asking several other people that were in my wedding to be in one again when I remarry. But I already asked them to put in that money and time once before, I'd feel so guilty asking them again.

And how do I plan a wedding just a beautiful and fun without using any of the ideas I had before? I put so much work into that, and I really don't want to ask my parents to contribute to yet another wedding. I'm not their only child, and they've already done so much for me. And I doubt Alan's parents would want to, it's not customary for the groom's family to contribute, especially if the bride's family isn't either....

And what's the worst part of all this? I know how ridiculous this all sounds! I bet if I asked my parents, they would offer to help. Maybe not in the same way or amount as they did before, but they would do what they can. And I bet Alan's family would too. They're very close, and they don't have any daughters anyways. But here I am mentally running down this list of things that mean next to nothing because I'm jumping way ahead of myself.

But I can't shake this stigma of myself as someone who cried wolf, and now I'm gonna cry it again, but I swear! I really mean it THIS TIME!!! .... It all sounds so sad and desperate in my head.

I keep walking tall and holding my head up. I don't let these things bother me for too long, and I always reassure myself that these things are just insecurities. But it doesn't stop them from forming.

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