Sunday, May 8, 2011


Last night I had a dream about X. It wasn't even a bad dream. For some reason Alan & I had to go see him to get more of my things. And X was incredibly polite and nice about it. He smiled a lot and acted almost as if he was happy to see me. Upon waking up I was somewhat irked by this since he was such an ass about everything in real life. But he seemed genuinely happy that I was getting my things, that I was with Alan. I don't remember a lot of the details anymore, but I just remember waking up and being kind of annoyed. I'm not sure why, but having that kind of dream bothers me.

Perhaps this dream was triggered by the alcohol I'd had the night before around the bonfire, or maybe it's because I had mentioned him to some friends who (I guess?) are still friends with him. Or who knows why. But I sometimes hate the fact that he still has any place in my subconscious. Every once in a while a dream pops in. I don't think it "means" anything, just that my brain must still be organizing information about him. Or maybe it's the new info that I hear or create based on situations.

Pretty sure my subconscious is trying to tell me he's not an all bad guy.
And I'm pretty sure I know that he isn't.

Just acted like a super shitty guy to get rid of me.

It's hard to say "Well I don't really give a shit." When I heard he's getting remarried (to the girl he left me for), someone told me I shouldn't care, what's it matter to me? Even though I've moved on and have no desire to ever even talk to him again, it doesn't mean he doesn't have some piece of me I can't recover. Hearing that he was engaged, not even 2 years after he left me, well it stings. It shows a complete lack of respect for what we had, but obviously I don't have the full story. Or something. I guess? I know, sure, I'm talking about getting married and such, so maybe I'm a hypocrite? I don't know, I really don't. I don't have all the answers for the petty jealousy and irritation he causes me, but I'm pretty sure all these feelings are valid. I have moved on, and I'm happier than I ever was with him, but he was still someone that I gave myself to completely. So the feelings I have? Probably pretty normal.

This entry kind of rambled. I suppose that's what happens at 3 AM, ha ha. :)

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