Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Name Dilemma

This dilemma might be unique for me since it's not an issue of having kids with a certain last name or anything... but I haven't yet decided what I want to do about my last name.

I love the idea of taking Alan's name, but (no offense, dearest love) I am not really all that attached to his name in particular. There's nothing really wrong with it, and it's certainly more Irish than my own. Or according to a name website Welsh.... Hm. Either way, my current last name is German, which, I'm actually not very much German as much as I am Irish. EITHER WAY, here's the deal.

When my mom married dad, she decided to hyphenate her name. Throughout my life, this question, when I asked her, was answered several different ways. But to this day, the idea of hyphenating a long name into becoming a ridiculously long name has continued to baffle me. But the idea BEHIND it did always make sense to me. Why does a woman have to change her name? The short of it, she doesn't. However, growing up, I wasn't terribly attached to my last name. So when I married X, I had no qualms about taking his last name. But, of course, when he left me, I certainly had no desire to keep that name. It was so uncomfortable for me to have it. But I didn't want to go back to the ridiculously long name I'd had before. So in the proceedings, I asked the judge if it would be possible to take just my dad's last name. It's shorter, it suits me, and I resemble his side of the family just a bit more than I do my mom's. The judge didn't see why not, and I got the name I had wanted since I was a kid (sans a middle name, but that's another story). I knew that someday I would marry again, but until then, this was much simpler.

But now coming to that decision again, I find myself more reluctant to take on my new husband-to-be's name. My last name now is actually a result of everything I have been through. I feel like I really truly own it, and I'm so hesitant to give it up. But I also know how much it would mean to Alan if I took his name. And yes, I did try to convince him to take my name instead, but that was put to rest rather quickly. He has said that he won't mind if I don't take his name, but I very much want some kind of united family name. So I don't know just yet what I want to do.

Thoughts? *Please do leave me comments, and leave them here, on my blog!!*

10 comments:

  1. I had a hard time when I married your cousin, however, I figured thacker-stemple would be too long of a last name. so I settled for his, since mine is english and most of my family is german, plus i thought at least our kids will be further up the alphabet, however, more people have a hard time spelling stemple than thacker, explain that one!

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    1. When your last name is Weckbacher-Robeck, almost any name is easier to spell. XD

      Alan's last name is Dillon, and that still gets mispelled!

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  2. I didn't take my husband's name, we each kept our own names. I felt similarly to you, it would be nice to have a family name but I didn't feel comfortable giving up my name.. it felt too much like losing a piece of my identity, and I hate the tradition that women sacrifice their names and men sacrifice nothing. In the end, my want to keep my name trumped my desire for a family name. I figure that if I change my mind down the road, it will be simple enough to change to his name (or some version of our names combined and hyphenated and such) but it will be a hassle to switch it, and then regret it and have to switch it back. I actually haven't come across very much backlash, except for my grandmother who addresses our cards to Mr and Mrs Finney and my mother who buys us "F" monogrammed things for our apartment. It's an important choice, but keep in mind that you are married and as much of a family whether or not you share a name.

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    1. Well, my real main concern is what do we do when we have kids? Which last name do they get? That's the biggest concern for me. Even if I choose to keep my name, which I am leaning towards, how do I name the kids? Conundrums. Oi!

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    2. That's not something I'm too concerned about, because we don't (at this point) plan on having any kids. I've heard of people giving girls the mom's name and boys the dads name, or hyphenating the names, or making the kids middle names your name and last names his. If I had a kid right now, I would want it to get my name (hey, I'm the one doing all the work growing it!) but I know there'd be a lot of pressure to use his. So... basically I have no help for you here, haha, sorry!

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    3. Yeah, I think that's the crux of my entire dilemma. I have to decide what to do. I might not be able to convince Alan to change his name, but perhaps to combine ours or create a new one for our kids? I don't know.... it's an interesting idea. But that's my real issue. I don't want to give up my name, but what about the kids... since we DO plan on them.

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  3. I think the name change is more of a merging gesture of "togetherness" (so to speak), rather than a requirment or a "no-no" if you don't.

    I personally think you should, so, like you said, you can start your family with you two, and you will be a unit. (Not that you wouldn't be without it)

    Your name and what you have been through is always going to be part of you, but I think that it will be even more meaningful to take on his name and start a new chapter, together. :]

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    1. I guess I just feel that if it's a merging, shouldn't our names merge? Not just me give up mine to his? I wish I could convince him to just create a new one with me and use that... but that's a bit out of his comfort zone, lol.

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  4. I also have this dilemma. I LOVE my last name, it's perfect for me and to me. I don't want it to be anything else, but I WANT to be Mrs. to my Mr.I have no clue what to do! I really don't think women should have to take the man's name ( I know, they don't HAVE to)but sharing a name is nice and most men I think would feel a part of their manliness go away if they took their wife's name. I personally want to be little Mrs. housewife and don't want to be seen as this dominating woman who MADE her husband take her name, or people see my strong loving husband as weak or whipped. And that's all how I feel before being with Luke. His last name is German, no it's not a German name, that's actually the name. It is in no way weird, bad or offensive to me just not nearly as cool or me as Halloran, Halloran is a damn fine name! I'm afraid to ask if he'd take my name because I think he might say yes. He doesn't really see his dad as family anymore so having his name probably isn't important on that front, I know he really doesn't care a ton for it one way or another, and he does like creating the life I want. Because me happy with him is the life he wants. I'm not comfortable with any options I have it seems. And Luke German flows well, I suppose I'd feel silly if he had my name. Yup, I know what you mean when you say it's a Dilemma.

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