Thursday, April 26, 2012

Stepping forward, never back.

In the last week, I've experienced some stuff.

Yeah. That was SUPER descriptive. XD

So on Saturday, Alan decided to head out of town for a beer tasting event. They were getting a hotel and staying the night. I was not looking forward to spending the evening alone, BUT I was going to be closing at work that night, then opening again the following morning, so time spent alone pretty minimal besides sleeping.
However, as the evening at work wore on, I began to experience large amounts of pain for seemingly no reason, so my manager sent me home. I called a friend to stay the night in case I needed to go to the ER, but I was so sure it was some kind of muscle thing, as was Alan. In the morning, I felt ok, but still sore, so I called off to play it safe, no need to stress it. Once Alan arrived home, I woke up a second time, feeling pretty awful again, so we headed to an urgent care facility. From there, they told us I had some kind of gall bladder inflammation, and didn't want to waste any of my time, get to the ER and get an ultrasound.


We spent the next 7 1/2 hours in the ER, they poked me, prodded me, took fluids, xrays, ultrasounds, blah blah blah. They didn't do much really except say "Yup. It's your gall bladder. Here's some pain meds. Eat a bland diet. Talk to a surgeon. It might have to come out."

Thanks, that was helpful.

Regardless, the entire experience, including my recovery the day after and other days following, and Alan's behavior the entire time has shown me once again what a great man he is.

But that in and of itself is showing me something great. I used to think that making steps backwards or sliding backwards from time to time was normal in a relationship. I'm not saying that we don't make mistakes or something, but Alan and I have never taken steps back. We always make progress, or stand still for a while. We take a step up the ladder, and maybe we'll hang out on that rung a while, but we won't go backwards. There's nothing there for us! We have about a week left to get our duplex packed as we move into our new home. OURS. And it just keeps looking like we are stepping forwards.

My entire experience with X always seemed like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Progress was slow when it happened, which was sporadic at best. We would address an issue only for it to come up again a few months down the line. So much frustration built up that I think even though we believed we loved each other, we totally resented one another at the same time. It didn't help that expectations were never the same or that they weren't clear either. It's so frustrating when I see myself expecting behaviors that X exhibited when Alan has never been like him, but it's so ingrained in me now that I don't know how else to react sometimes.

Alan came to see me at work yesterday. I told him I was feeling depressed, and I just didn't know why. He said that we needed to have a talk about optimism, and that I need to not worry about packing. He claims he's going to take care of all of it. I need to focus on getting better, getting my dress made for a wedding we're attending this weekend, and getting finals all wrapped up at school. He came to work just to cheer me up and tell me it's all going to be ok. And when I got home from work that night, the dining room was half empty and the living room as well. He really hauled ass. XD


Always moving forward.

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