Tuesday, July 31, 2012


The first part of moving on after being hurt by someone you love is learning to forgive. You may disagree, because perhaps you never forgave someone who hurt you. Then you haven't truly moved on. There are people in my past that I still haven't forgiven. I'm working on that. I've been learning a lot about loving people for who they are and loving their flaws. I've always been that way, but now I am learning to blanket that to people who have wronged me, not just those I hold dear. I know it doesn't seem it, but I really have forgiven X. He thinks he had to act the way he did. I'm not sure why he thinks that, but I'm sure he has justifications that make it so he doesn't feel bad about what he did, and that is what he does best. Self-preservation. I can understand that, and I forgave him long ago, and as a fellow human just trying to figure it out as we all do, I love him anyways. I don't like him. I don't want to be friends with him, but much like you feel about your siblings when you are a child, I love him despite it.

Time and time again I am tested in my ability to love and forgive those that wrong me. I understand how scary facing new situations and scary people is. I'm a scary person. As one of my best friends like to remind me, I'm a fire-breather. People are scared of me. I've never understood why, but heaven help you if you hurt me or mine, so perhaps there is something to that. And more than anger it is scary to face someone you have disappointed.

But I am breathing in and breathing out. That is all we can do. As long as you are still breathing, everything else is bonus. And as I breathe I remember why the people who have hurt me have done it. I understand, and I love them for it. I will not condone or support it. I will not like it. And sometimes I will not like them. But I will love them. It's what I do, it's how I operate. If I don't let myself love everyone, I will turn bitter and hateful and crumble in on myself, and those that rely on me will lose the support they need.

A few years ago, a friend betrayed me in so many ways I can't even count them on one hand. I have still not forgiven that person completely. But I do still love them. Maybe my capacity for love is my strongest asset. I don't know.

Regardless, forgiving someone is a whole hell of a lot easier when they apologize. Forgiveness is a lesson I have to learn every day, but humility and regret for hurting those who love us should be a lesson we all learn daily as well. Who knows how many we hurt with the things we do?

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