Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I'm a weanie.

We all do it. We all snoop on our exes, especially through the wonder that is social networking, it sometimes becomes much too easy. Last week I did my own snooping, and it was a dumb, dumb idea.

I looked around google+ and found not only X, but X's new wife. Last August was 2 years officially after our dissolution was legal. I know I've been in a rush myself (see last entry) but I'm doing my best not to force the issue. Knowing that X married the person he left me for, that I was so quickly replaced is especially hurtful. There's no part of me that wants him back, but that doesn't mean what we did go through, what we had, wasn't significant. And to be so quickly replaced just makes it seem like I am insignificant.

I'm not jealous, that's not the right word. I don't want him, I don't want to be in her place, but I don't know how to define the hurt I feel when I think about this. I know that if he really wanted to, this whole blog is public and he could read all this and see how bothered I am. And I'm sure it would just tickle him pink. But I don't care. This blog is out there to help someone. Someone who doesn't know where else to look because no one ever talks about this!

After I was done with the stupid mucking about, I promptly blocked them so they couldn't see me. Hypocritical, maybe, but I can't trust him not to try & use information against me.

But perhaps what I should talk about is the great advantage I have been given due to this whole thing.
I know what it looks like when someone doesn't really love you for who you are.
I know what to look for when I start having second thoughts.
And while we all pretend we don't "compare" our exes to our current squeeze, I know we all do, and my comparison serves to remind me how much better I deserve and how awesome Alan is. Sometimes I get frustrated with little things he does, but then I remember that there are much bigger problems we could be having.

I can really appreciate so much more about Alan because he's much the opposite of X, in all the right places. I sometimes wonder if I would appreciate all that he does for me if I hadn't felt like a burden all the time to X. If X hadn't constantly told me what a problem I was, how fat I was, how useless and stupid I was, would I know how great Alan is to me? Would I appreciate how well Alan and I function and how logically we can sit down to talk out issues instead of dragging out some canned response from X whenever we argued? Would I really appreciate how Alan insists that whatever ring he buys me, I will have never seen before after X went out & bought the first cheap ring that I mentioned was on sale? I might, but odds are, I don't think I would. I think I would still be some spastic and selfish person. I might have matured a bit, but I don't think I would know what a great guy Alan is without the complete douchebaggery of X.

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