As Alan and I learn to exist in our new roles and new environment, it has become apparent that how we live isn't for everyone. And I think that's an important idea that a lot of people haven't latched onto in their lives. Some might argue I don't get that idea. And it may be true that I struggle with certain ideas that some people have about how relationships work, but I have a much better perception than I am often given credit for.
I'm going to preface this with saying there are certain things I believe must exist in every relationship. Friends, romantic, family, maybe even professional. But mostly in personal relationships. If I don't see these things, I often have a hard time seeing the ability to succeed. Perhaps this makes me judgmental, or cynical, and it often makes me a target (see Lightning Rod of Discontent) but I do not budge on these beliefs. Doesn't mean I view you as any lesser a person for not falling into my criteria, it's just how I see the world. I've created this idea based on watching those around me as well as experiencing a number of these things myself. I'm no expert, I would never claim to be. But I am certainly an intelligent and logical person who can draw conclusions from repeated experiences.
That being said, here are some things relationships need to work, on the most basic level.
1. Mutual Attraction
This seems like a no-brainer in my book, BUT just to keep in line with the idea of basic level, I want to lay it out. In every relationship we maintain, platonic, familial or romantic, there is a shared attraction. That attraction can be physical, mental, nostalgic, ingrained. But you both find each other attractive for some reason or another. In the case of family, your shared sense of history and having grown up sharing certain experiences makes you attractive to one another, makes you seek each other out to commiserate or celebrate. This is also true in cases of long-term friendship, while likely also including shared interests, hobbies, intellectual and ideological beliefs, or even respect for contrasting ideas. And in romantic, you hope for all of these attractions. But at the very basic level, both parties have to have an attraction to one another. Or else it's not a true relationship.
2. Mutual Respect
This is something I have touched on before (see Written in Ink), numerous times, but more than anything, the idea of mutual respect hinges on understanding that other people's emotions are valid, even if they don't make sense to you. Just because their feelings seem irrational to you doesn't mean they are. Emotions, simply by definition, are kind of irrational, but they are all valid. How we react to our emotions, how we choose to express them, and how we let them affect those around us can be irrational, and (in most cases) it is up to us to monitor and regulate how those emotions manifest. This is all easier said than done, and I don't want to get into a tangent about self-monitoring, so for the sake of this entry, just understand the idea that emotions are valid, sometimes our reactions are irrational.
Even so, when our reactions are poor, impulsive, and even hurtful, it helps if the other person does their best to respect our feelings. This is so hard because our poor reactions to our emotions illicit emotions in the other party, but sometimes the best way to calm the irrational party is to be understanding. How we intend people to take our messages and how they actually take our messages are two totally different things, and even when you don't mean to hurt or offend someone, it can still happen. And explaining yourself as "I'm sorry you feel that way, that's not at all how I intended it," can make a world of difference. Because if you do respect the other person, it DOES matter to you that you have hurt them in some way. It doesn't even have to mean that you're sorry for what you did, simply that you're sorry someone you cared about was hurt. We are so focused on ourselves sometimes that it is difficult to remember that other people really do have their own lives and struggles going on at the same time, just as valid as yours.
Mutual respect also includes adhering to the rules you have negotiated for your relationship. For a lot of us, rules aren't actually spelled out, but rather discovered over time by either casual discussion, or breaches of these rules. In romantic relationships, it is often a combination of the two. When Alan & I began to date, I sat him down and asked him some pertinent questions and also laid out some things that were never to be violated. But other rules aren't so easily identified until they are broken. How to handle me when I am in a depressive state? Not a thought I often keep in mind until an extended depression comes around, and Alan handles it poorly. This then lead to a discussion about what my needs are and what he can do in the future to help. More casual, platonic and familial relationships find these rules over time and shared experiences. But as these rules are negotiated, we make our efforts to respect them to the best of our abilities. And sometimes these rules change. What was once acceptable might not be anymore. But if you don't notify the other party of these changes, they cannot perform accordingly. More than likely, the other person isn't psychic and can't just understand you, so communicate these changes.
3. Clear Communication
This is even harder for me to define, hilariously with my fancy degree in Communication Studies. Communication is such a variable factor, and what one relationship considers clear communication practices might not suit another. But at the very basic level, both parties should be able to communicate ideas, emotions, and actions clearly. For some people, this means talking things out exhaustively, and even circuitously. I am famous for this. To another skilled communicator, it sometimes becomes clear that I am repeating ideas, but changing the way in which I present them in order to try and get my point across to a possibly resistant audience. For others, very little words have to be exchanged to assure each other that they are on the same page, thanks to lots of time building up nuances and a repertoire of nonverbal and emotional shorthand. For some people email, instant messages, or texting on the phone is the best form because everything is recorded and has at least a level of thought given before the send button is pushed. When something is moving too fast, you can stop and reread every word that was typed and try to glean the intended meaning from that.
And these methods can vary from relationship to relationship. While I much prefer to talk things out verbally with my friends and partner, some people can't handle my high energy levels. X and I often did better (and maybe we perhaps happiest when) our main form of communication was through the Internet in some manner or another. IM, blog posts, and emails often fruited better communication and consideration of each other's feelings than when I would explode in circular logic trying to get him to understand my emotional needs. Alan tends to take in my verbal explosions, absorb my repetition, walk away from the situation, and email me later after having reflected on it with his apologies, rebuttals, or both. It's how we compromise, by compromising on our communication styles.
4. Happy in the Present
This one might be mostly for romantic relationships, but I imagine there are some aspects of this present in other relationships as well.
BE. PRESENT.
Your relationship cannot hope to survive if you are hanging all your hopes on the chance that things will be better later. Hilariously, a story about the last month of X and my marriage illustrates my point perfectly. It's almost a metaphor for our entire relationship.
X had sent me out to Seattle with a few "missions" to accomplish. While it was impossible for me to achieve any of them in the short amount of time I was there and the state of the economy, my failure to produce results was the topic of every other daily phone call we would have. X had told me to find a job, and find a place for us to live when he supposedly moved out there. We had gone back and forth about whether we should rent or buy, and I believed that renting for a year was the best bet until we knew the city and surrounding areas better. X wanted to buy because he seemed anxious to not be renting anymore. But with me jobless and him not making a whole lot, especially by Seattle standards, our price range put any houses we could afford in bad areas, on railroad tracks, or in awful terrible shape. Or all three at once. *shudder* In my frustration with his insistence that we buy a terrible house, I spoke to my friend Morte. X's claim was that he wanted to buy a cheap house in bad shape, we'd fix it up together and sell it later, all while living in it the whole time. (Keep in mind, X never did any level of hard labor around the house to begin with. He never fixed anything besides a computer, couldn't carry boxes up one level of stairs without getting winded and complaining, and generally knew nothing about how to fix up a house.) Morte and her husband had chosen to do much the same thing, but she made a clear distinction. I can't directly quote her, as it was so long ago, but it was something along the lines of, "When we bought our house, we knew this wasn't our dream house. Our plan is to update it and someday sell it and buy a better house. But we know that things change and life happens, so we made sure we were happy with this house too, if we never get to leave it. That I can live with this house, even if no changes happen to it." This stuck with me, not just in home buying advice (which I kept in mind as Alan and I shopped for our home), but in life. We have friends who have bad habits. We make the decision that we love them despite, or even because of, these bad habits. That their good habits and characteristics far outweigh any negative things they have. They provide us with something (see mutual attraction above) that is worth the sometimes negative characteristics. And we choose to be friends with them as they are. We don't plan for them to be someone else later on. And while anyone can change drastically in their life, we don't plan for that to happen. We accept people as they are. It's not to say we don't think our friends should better themselves, but these are the things that define our relationships.
This goes double for romantic relationships, however. Yes, we expect that our partner will continue to grow and learn as time goes on. But sometimes that doesn't equate to them changing their bad habits or negative traits. It might even make them worse. But we don't get into a relationship, specifically a marriage, counting on them getting better some day. That never ends well. You are setting yourself up for disappointment. Because even if the person does change and improve, 9 times out of 10, it won't be the way you thought it would. When X left me, he told me it was because he believed marrying me would "fix" me and change all the things he didn't like about me. And when I didn't meet those expectations, he dropped me. You have to accept your romantic partner as they are. You can try to help them improve, if they want to, and you can even try to urge them along a little if they are a bit resistant. But you must either accept them as they are and as they might always be, or get out. And especially don't marry someone if you are still waiting on them to become the better person you "just know" they will become.
5. Planning for the Future
And the flipside of this is that there must be a shared plan for the future. For most casual relationships, this mostly just means "We plan to continue to be friends," and sometimes there are some deeper plans like "I plan for you to be a part of my wedding someday," or even "I want you to be an integral part of my future childrens' lives," but these are still more abstract and loose agreements of the future. But you do both see yourselves as a part of each other's futures.
In romantic relationships, however, this is more important. This needs to be a shared plan. Now sometimes this shared plan is no plan. Say you're both super laid back and don't want to look that far ahead. But you are both on that page together and share in your no-plan plan of the future. Alan & I have changed our plans several times, from when we were going to move in together, when we would be engaged, when we would buy a house and when I would enter the workforce. But we have always talked to each other and made those plan changes together, making sure they fit our shared idea of what we want our future together to be. Some couples might even have a shared plan of one partner making all the plans and the other just tagging along for the ride. But again, this is an agreement reached together. But, referencing back to clear communication, both parties must be on the same page to achieve any future happiness.
With those things in mind, Alan & my existence within these ideas is not for everyone. We are mutually attracted in many ways. Physically, obviously. (He's kind of a hottie, I am so fuckin lucky!) But we are attracted to one another for each other's enthusiasm over the things we love, our ideologies, our nerdiness, our pursuit of knowledge, and our lack of fucks given about what most people think about us. I love his responsibility, his motivation, his patience, his talent in the kitchen, and his financial savvy. He loves my contrasting ideas, that I push him to try new things, that I bring new experiences to him, my brain, and that I am warm and welcoming to people of all walks of life.
We share a respect for each other's space, need for time apart, individual growth, and feelings. We are high energy and move faster than most, and sometimes this results in explosive clashes, but at our energy levels, we absorb as much as we sling at each other. We always regret hurting the other, and do our best to communicate what transgressed in order to make the offense happen. We call each other on our shit, and move at the speed of light. This ties directly into our style of communication. While most people see our conflicts as unhealthy and explosive, stressful and unnecessary, Alan and I, and even our counselor, see that it really doesn't bother us nearly as much as it bothers others. We do our best to keep these explosions to just us these days, but sometimes it happens anyways. I have a tendency to escalate, and Alan to dig in his heels. Stressful is definitely a descriptor for these fights, but we operate at higher levels of stress than most others to begin with. Even on days when I am in a good mood and super excited about everything, my stress levels are well above normal. It's a result of being a high energy person. So naturally our conflicts will be fast paced and high energy too. It is a concerted effort these days to try and slow ourselves down when we clash, and it is slowly improving, but it is likely there will always be some kind of fireworks when full on conflict happens.
And our present and future are right in step with one another. We recognize, and embrace each other's strengths and weaknesses. I love some of Alan's hang ups, because they endear him to me. We made the decision to send me to grad school together, and adjusted our future possibilities to match it. But it was still in line with the plans we aim to achieve in the end. It fits our view of the future we are building. We accept that we might always yell at each other when we fight. And we accept that we need to learn to censor that around others so we may continue to be their safe haven too. But we expect our friends to recognize that asking us to change is just as unfair as asking each other to change. We love each other, we love our friends, and we are loved by them. Life is good, I am in command of my path, and I am unafraid.
Are you?
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
New Save File
I'm supposed to be doing school work, but I'm feeling pretty fried already, so I'm going to take a break to post a new update. :)
Pirate wedding complete! Alan & I are officially married, in a raucous party we celebrated the night with friends and family, dancing with each other and our loved ones. I'm so relieved to be done with the wedding and super psyched to get pictures and video back! And once I have those, I promise to post pictures, but I'll at least post this one:
Here we are during our first dance, belting out the words to "Starlight" as we couldn't stop smiling at each other. <3 (Many thanks to Laura for this pic!)
And now we begin our new, combined save file. ;)
So is it different? Not yet, but I'm sure it will be. Of course, anytime I say that, Alan insists it won't be since we lived together so long, but I remember things from last time. And of course if I say that, he insists he's not the same as X. And of course he's not, I wouldn't have married him if he was! Jeez! But that only means that the change will be different too, better I'm willing to bet. And I could never place my finger on it before anyways, so I don't really have a good explanation anyways.
But this new part of our life has come with some of it's own growing pains already. One of which was the transition to living in our house alone again, having asked our roommate to move out. I think it was a lot of hurt feelings and miscommunication, and I think it all got sorted out eventually, but it wasn't an easy choice for us. I've always preferred having more people in the house. I've never been sure why. Alan & I began seeing a couple's counselor a few months ago, and she expressed concern about our home and said we need to focus on building us and our home as a couple and preparing for the steps we plan to take in the next few years.
And perhaps that's a thing X and I never really did. There were oh-so-many plans and ideas for our future, but we never truly made any groundwork. Even the fact that we moved every year seemed indicative of our future. Never happy where we settled. We had plans to move across the country so "settling down" didn't seem a good idea yet, but we never really.... established a feeling of home, of togetherness.
I've begun my Master's program (with assistantship, WOOOOO!!!), but the program is a 30-45 min drive each way. It's not terrible, no worse than the commute when I live in Cinci, but every day when I am driving home I can't wait to get here. We've created a space that feels good to come back to and feels like it is truly ours. We've spent the time, we've done the work, we've taken the hard choices and taken some shit for it, but we've built this space, this home, this castle that truly has helped us to build the sturdy foundations for our future together, our new family and our future endeavors. I am ready for whatever comes because we are solid.
Pirate wedding complete! Alan & I are officially married, in a raucous party we celebrated the night with friends and family, dancing with each other and our loved ones. I'm so relieved to be done with the wedding and super psyched to get pictures and video back! And once I have those, I promise to post pictures, but I'll at least post this one:
Here we are during our first dance, belting out the words to "Starlight" as we couldn't stop smiling at each other. <3 (Many thanks to Laura for this pic!)
And now we begin our new, combined save file. ;)
So is it different? Not yet, but I'm sure it will be. Of course, anytime I say that, Alan insists it won't be since we lived together so long, but I remember things from last time. And of course if I say that, he insists he's not the same as X. And of course he's not, I wouldn't have married him if he was! Jeez! But that only means that the change will be different too, better I'm willing to bet. And I could never place my finger on it before anyways, so I don't really have a good explanation anyways.
But this new part of our life has come with some of it's own growing pains already. One of which was the transition to living in our house alone again, having asked our roommate to move out. I think it was a lot of hurt feelings and miscommunication, and I think it all got sorted out eventually, but it wasn't an easy choice for us. I've always preferred having more people in the house. I've never been sure why. Alan & I began seeing a couple's counselor a few months ago, and she expressed concern about our home and said we need to focus on building us and our home as a couple and preparing for the steps we plan to take in the next few years.
And perhaps that's a thing X and I never really did. There were oh-so-many plans and ideas for our future, but we never truly made any groundwork. Even the fact that we moved every year seemed indicative of our future. Never happy where we settled. We had plans to move across the country so "settling down" didn't seem a good idea yet, but we never really.... established a feeling of home, of togetherness.
I've begun my Master's program (with assistantship, WOOOOO!!!), but the program is a 30-45 min drive each way. It's not terrible, no worse than the commute when I live in Cinci, but every day when I am driving home I can't wait to get here. We've created a space that feels good to come back to and feels like it is truly ours. We've spent the time, we've done the work, we've taken the hard choices and taken some shit for it, but we've built this space, this home, this castle that truly has helped us to build the sturdy foundations for our future together, our new family and our future endeavors. I am ready for whatever comes because we are solid.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
When hope was lost, the universe said "Hey, it's ok."
It's been a rough summer for me. Between planning my wedding and dealing with all levels of social drama, I was losing my grip. I was becoming angrier and angrier, and this was becoming toxic. I had a falling out at the beginning of this summer with my best friend. Some of my entries have touched on why, but this isn't an entry about that, exactly. It hurt, and after losses I have suffered in the friend department over the last several years, it was the last straw and I was beginning to lose my grip. I felt my heart falling out of my chest and the hollowness begin to pull at me, which is a feeling I dread with all my being. I value my friends, I try my hardest to be as good a friend as I can so that they continue to provide me with the friendship I need. Perhaps this is a weakness of mine that I could improve upon, being able to not need friends, but I've always viewed it as a strength. So these blow after blow after blow hits were truly beginning to take their toll.
But then a few things happened. The first is sad. My aunt had been diagnosed with cancer some time ago and we knew it was nearing the end. We went to visit her a few weeks before she ended up passing away. Now, I was never terribly close to her, she lived a few hours away, didn't have kids of her own, so we only really saw her for holidays, but she was always there, always smiling, and I cannot think of a single bad memory of her. And while she wasn't terribly young, she really wasn't old either. It reminded me that life is short, cliche as this all is, and there isn't enough time to be angry and bitter at everyone who has ever hurt us. I have worked so hard to try and create a safe place in my home, not just for me and Alan, but for those we love to come and feel safe, recharged, and happy, if only for a little while, and my bitterness and pain was going to ruin that if I let it get out of hand. At the memorial service, I felt a weight lift, I felt better. My aunt always had a smile on her face when I saw her, even in the hospital during our final visit. She exuded positivity. I can do that too. I really can.
The second thing to happen was much more uplifting. After 3 years of silence and distance, my friend Jenn approached me at a mutual hang out to apologize for events that happened at the end of our time being roommates. I'm not going to go into specifics, but suffice it to say, it was a nasty and uncomfortable mess for all involved. Jenn and I had been friends for over 10 years at that point, and it had hurt to lose her and that history more than I could truly explain in a blog entry. People were hurt and lashing back at each other in a nasty back and forth that got out of hand and seemingly terminated our friendship. After 3 years of next to no communication except glances at each other across the bar we both go to, the sincere apology was more than amazing. It seemed to be exactly what I needed.
Besides mending our relationship, the timing of this event happened in the exact time that I needed. I just needed a little sign from anywhere that said, "It's ok, it's going to be ok. You're really not a terrible person. Just maybe a bit too loud." This little reminder was enough to say "It's ok to worry about your friends, it's ok to have concerns and to voice them." After the last entry, I was so hurt about how I had become a scapegoat for people's unhappiness that I could have lost my grip entirely, but now I am happily light and free. I've been working to rebuild the bridge that's now mended, and rebuild a strong part of my heart that was hurting.
Earlier in the evening, as I walked around downtown, there were beautiful chalk drawings everywhere. I happened to snap this picture of one, the only one I took, and later in the evening, it took on new meaning.
But then a few things happened. The first is sad. My aunt had been diagnosed with cancer some time ago and we knew it was nearing the end. We went to visit her a few weeks before she ended up passing away. Now, I was never terribly close to her, she lived a few hours away, didn't have kids of her own, so we only really saw her for holidays, but she was always there, always smiling, and I cannot think of a single bad memory of her. And while she wasn't terribly young, she really wasn't old either. It reminded me that life is short, cliche as this all is, and there isn't enough time to be angry and bitter at everyone who has ever hurt us. I have worked so hard to try and create a safe place in my home, not just for me and Alan, but for those we love to come and feel safe, recharged, and happy, if only for a little while, and my bitterness and pain was going to ruin that if I let it get out of hand. At the memorial service, I felt a weight lift, I felt better. My aunt always had a smile on her face when I saw her, even in the hospital during our final visit. She exuded positivity. I can do that too. I really can.
The second thing to happen was much more uplifting. After 3 years of silence and distance, my friend Jenn approached me at a mutual hang out to apologize for events that happened at the end of our time being roommates. I'm not going to go into specifics, but suffice it to say, it was a nasty and uncomfortable mess for all involved. Jenn and I had been friends for over 10 years at that point, and it had hurt to lose her and that history more than I could truly explain in a blog entry. People were hurt and lashing back at each other in a nasty back and forth that got out of hand and seemingly terminated our friendship. After 3 years of next to no communication except glances at each other across the bar we both go to, the sincere apology was more than amazing. It seemed to be exactly what I needed.
Besides mending our relationship, the timing of this event happened in the exact time that I needed. I just needed a little sign from anywhere that said, "It's ok, it's going to be ok. You're really not a terrible person. Just maybe a bit too loud." This little reminder was enough to say "It's ok to worry about your friends, it's ok to have concerns and to voice them." After the last entry, I was so hurt about how I had become a scapegoat for people's unhappiness that I could have lost my grip entirely, but now I am happily light and free. I've been working to rebuild the bridge that's now mended, and rebuild a strong part of my heart that was hurting.
Earlier in the evening, as I walked around downtown, there were beautiful chalk drawings everywhere. I happened to snap this picture of one, the only one I took, and later in the evening, it took on new meaning.
Hope is there, we just don't know where to find it sometimes. Thanks Jenn, for helping me find mine.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
A lightning rod of discontent
Ian asked a good question the other night, and the discovery of an email in an old inbox from a fairly traumatic event that happened at the end of May, I am here to make a statement about it.
Ian asked me if we, as a culture, are too insulated from failure. Since when is constructive criticism a bad thing? Just because I disagree with you or your choices does not mean we cannot be friends or that I think you are a bad person. Yes, I am opinionated and loud. I always have been. But I am loyal, loving, and fierce. I am a good ally to have and a terrible enemy to make.
Someone has accused me of being controlling. This insinuates that I am trying to make choices for them.
Granted, when I was young, specifically a teenager, this may have been accurate. I was young, dumb, and impulsive. I can still be called impulsive from time to time. I don't mind this. But as a teen, yes, I suppose I could have been controlling. But in the end, any level of "controlling" behavior has been based in an intense emotional investment I have made in someone. It is because I love them and want to protect them from themselves.
I suppose it's because I have a lot of my mother in me.
I've often mentioned, in conversations about my childhood, that my mom was overprotective and did not allow for me to have much fun (read risks) or make my own mistakes in a time when I so desperately wanted to and needed to. To this day, I think that I could have been trusted a great deal more than I was. But my mother loved me, and I was her baby girl and she didn't want anything bad to happen to me. So a conflict arose and didn't end until I moved out. At which point this conflict seemed to almost entirely dissolve, my mom treated me like an adult most of the time, babied me occasionally when I needed it, and allowed me to make my own mistakes. But until then, it was a source of constant friction.
I must imagine, then, that this is what a lot of people who have chosen not to speak to me anymore must feel like. But like my mother, this desire has only ever been born out of love for that individual. But I have never actually worked to control anyone's actions.
We have not been taught to take criticism anymore. The parents I see at work, and the parents of my friends growing up have often been too busy trying to be a friend to their child rather than being their parent. Rather than tell the child no, they humor them, give in to them, and go along with whatever their kid is doing. So that kid has now learned that whatever they want to do is ok and there will be no consequences for it. I learned to take criticism. I didn't always receive it well, but I never stopped taking it in, I never stopped loving my parents because they disagreed with me or my life choices. I never once shut them out of my life completely, and I never thought to myself that I didn't want them in it. My dad thinks that my entire lifestyle, premarital sex, pagan beliefs, bisexuality, pro-choice, etc etc etc are sinful and wrong. But my dad loves me, and I love him. We love each other for who the other is and accept that no matter what, that person loves me. I would never tell my dad I never want to speak to him again. Nor my mother, my brothers, my sister-in-law, and the family I have gained through Alan. Because they love me and I love them.
Now, someone may point out that I have removed friends from my life. This is true. But I did not stop loving them. And more specifically, they began to take out their frustrations with the rest of their lives out on me, or have taken advantage of my goodwill and used it to hurt me. Because here is the crux of the situation. It has been pointed out to me by a dear friend that I am a reminder of how unhappy these people are. Especially female friends. I am a lightning rod for your discontent. If I have said "Hey, this relationship has a lot of red flags, and I care about you, so I figured I should point them out to you," I immediately become the attractant for all your misplaced anger. You can't possibly be mad at your significant other, because everything there is perfect and you are defiant against my criticisms (more on that in a moment), but you're not sure what you're angry at, so instead you point that anger at me. Because you so badly want this to work that I am somehow affecting it's ability to work because I disagree.
Now here, my friends, is where criticism comes in. My criticism of any choice anyone makes is simply a disagreement. We all disagree with each other on something. Alan & I disagree on many things daily. But we continue to love and respect each other and make our relationship function. Because we can agree to disagree. I have grown a lot in my ability to accept criticism since I was a child. Many people still think I receive it poorly because their only experiences are with younger me. I have learned to try my best to soak in what someone is saying, use logic to deduce the truth in the allegations, make changes to myself when necessary and realize when it is unfounded, untrue, or just pain that caused someone to say something to me.
So somewhere in here, my criticism of a situation, my disagreement with a choice someone made has become twisted into my reputation being that of a controlling friend. But the only ones who actually think this about me are the ones afraid to face the reality of their situation and don't like the glaring reminder I am of how much they are ignoring it. So if you think that I have somehow tried to control your life, its time to take a look in the mirror. I did. I looked and I knew that nothing I have ever done was done with ill-will or a need to control someone. But also know that I can see now that you don't want a friend, you want a babysitter. Someone to sit there and tell you how everything is fine and nothing will ever go wrong again.
I'm not that person. I will never just tell you that whatever choice you are making is fine if it is a bad decision. I will not stop being your friend just because you go ahead anyways, but understand that you cannot be mad at me for pointing out your bad idea. Because I am not to blame for your poor decisions. You want to make that relationship work? Fine, but when it's not working and you're not happy, I'm not the one who broke it, just because I saw it.
We are all wrong sometimes. We are all mistaken and made aware of our faults by those we love. I am sometimes lacking in delicacy, but I have always done my best to be there for my friends, no matter how poor I think their choices are. It has become clear to me that those people can't handle the truth in what I have said, and this is why they shut me out, hurt me, threatened me, and blamed me.
I am not to blame for your unhappiness, but that will not stop you from using me as your lightning rod.
It always was easy to dehumanize someone who becomes this much of a character.
Ian asked me if we, as a culture, are too insulated from failure. Since when is constructive criticism a bad thing? Just because I disagree with you or your choices does not mean we cannot be friends or that I think you are a bad person. Yes, I am opinionated and loud. I always have been. But I am loyal, loving, and fierce. I am a good ally to have and a terrible enemy to make.
Someone has accused me of being controlling. This insinuates that I am trying to make choices for them.
Granted, when I was young, specifically a teenager, this may have been accurate. I was young, dumb, and impulsive. I can still be called impulsive from time to time. I don't mind this. But as a teen, yes, I suppose I could have been controlling. But in the end, any level of "controlling" behavior has been based in an intense emotional investment I have made in someone. It is because I love them and want to protect them from themselves.
I suppose it's because I have a lot of my mother in me.
I've often mentioned, in conversations about my childhood, that my mom was overprotective and did not allow for me to have much fun (read risks) or make my own mistakes in a time when I so desperately wanted to and needed to. To this day, I think that I could have been trusted a great deal more than I was. But my mother loved me, and I was her baby girl and she didn't want anything bad to happen to me. So a conflict arose and didn't end until I moved out. At which point this conflict seemed to almost entirely dissolve, my mom treated me like an adult most of the time, babied me occasionally when I needed it, and allowed me to make my own mistakes. But until then, it was a source of constant friction.
I must imagine, then, that this is what a lot of people who have chosen not to speak to me anymore must feel like. But like my mother, this desire has only ever been born out of love for that individual. But I have never actually worked to control anyone's actions.
We have not been taught to take criticism anymore. The parents I see at work, and the parents of my friends growing up have often been too busy trying to be a friend to their child rather than being their parent. Rather than tell the child no, they humor them, give in to them, and go along with whatever their kid is doing. So that kid has now learned that whatever they want to do is ok and there will be no consequences for it. I learned to take criticism. I didn't always receive it well, but I never stopped taking it in, I never stopped loving my parents because they disagreed with me or my life choices. I never once shut them out of my life completely, and I never thought to myself that I didn't want them in it. My dad thinks that my entire lifestyle, premarital sex, pagan beliefs, bisexuality, pro-choice, etc etc etc are sinful and wrong. But my dad loves me, and I love him. We love each other for who the other is and accept that no matter what, that person loves me. I would never tell my dad I never want to speak to him again. Nor my mother, my brothers, my sister-in-law, and the family I have gained through Alan. Because they love me and I love them.
Now, someone may point out that I have removed friends from my life. This is true. But I did not stop loving them. And more specifically, they began to take out their frustrations with the rest of their lives out on me, or have taken advantage of my goodwill and used it to hurt me. Because here is the crux of the situation. It has been pointed out to me by a dear friend that I am a reminder of how unhappy these people are. Especially female friends. I am a lightning rod for your discontent. If I have said "Hey, this relationship has a lot of red flags, and I care about you, so I figured I should point them out to you," I immediately become the attractant for all your misplaced anger. You can't possibly be mad at your significant other, because everything there is perfect and you are defiant against my criticisms (more on that in a moment), but you're not sure what you're angry at, so instead you point that anger at me. Because you so badly want this to work that I am somehow affecting it's ability to work because I disagree.
Now here, my friends, is where criticism comes in. My criticism of any choice anyone makes is simply a disagreement. We all disagree with each other on something. Alan & I disagree on many things daily. But we continue to love and respect each other and make our relationship function. Because we can agree to disagree. I have grown a lot in my ability to accept criticism since I was a child. Many people still think I receive it poorly because their only experiences are with younger me. I have learned to try my best to soak in what someone is saying, use logic to deduce the truth in the allegations, make changes to myself when necessary and realize when it is unfounded, untrue, or just pain that caused someone to say something to me.
So somewhere in here, my criticism of a situation, my disagreement with a choice someone made has become twisted into my reputation being that of a controlling friend. But the only ones who actually think this about me are the ones afraid to face the reality of their situation and don't like the glaring reminder I am of how much they are ignoring it. So if you think that I have somehow tried to control your life, its time to take a look in the mirror. I did. I looked and I knew that nothing I have ever done was done with ill-will or a need to control someone. But also know that I can see now that you don't want a friend, you want a babysitter. Someone to sit there and tell you how everything is fine and nothing will ever go wrong again.
I'm not that person. I will never just tell you that whatever choice you are making is fine if it is a bad decision. I will not stop being your friend just because you go ahead anyways, but understand that you cannot be mad at me for pointing out your bad idea. Because I am not to blame for your poor decisions. You want to make that relationship work? Fine, but when it's not working and you're not happy, I'm not the one who broke it, just because I saw it.
We are all wrong sometimes. We are all mistaken and made aware of our faults by those we love. I am sometimes lacking in delicacy, but I have always done my best to be there for my friends, no matter how poor I think their choices are. It has become clear to me that those people can't handle the truth in what I have said, and this is why they shut me out, hurt me, threatened me, and blamed me.
I am not to blame for your unhappiness, but that will not stop you from using me as your lightning rod.
It always was easy to dehumanize someone who becomes this much of a character.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
City of Specters
I haven't been back to Cincinnati in four years, not since the divorce proceedings. I haven't seen X since then either. Between emotional strain, money, and time, I haven't been back to visit, despite having friends I would like to see. But my cousin got married today, and the wedding was right outside Cincinnati, so Alan and I decided to take the opportunity to make a trip out of it, finally make it to King's Island, see some of my friends, show Alan some of my favorite things from the area like Newport and Jungle Jim's, etc. I gave lots of warning to my local friends about when I'd be down and tried to make it easy to meet up and visit, but the first two nights we have been here nothing has worked out to meet anyone. Friday we spent all day at King's Island, but after the park closed, Alan wanted a late dinner and drink, so we decided to hit up Bar Louie at the levee. We ordered drinks, and after we ordered our food it happened.
I looked up, and I shit you not, there was X. I looked down immediately. I'm honestly ashamed of my reaction. There's just some kind of effect he still has on me. Nervous, ashamed, as if I am some now in the wrong by being in the same bar as him??? I have no idea if he saw me, if so, he never approached me. Our server happened to be serving the group he was in, and seemed he was with some company event. We sat and ate our food, I chugged my martini, and got less anxious, but still weirded out. As soon as our accounts were settled, we hustled out of there. We walked out in front of the aquarium and I sat down on a bench. Of all the people I want to see this weekend, the first one I see is him? Oi.
It's sad because not only does Cincinnati remind me of X, but also reminds me of the two former best friends who I am now estranged from. Two friends who came to visit me here regularly. One of them I cut ties with due to her destructive nature, the other cut ties with me for reasons I'll not go into here, though I believe it to be a large failure to communicate on both ends. This city has minders around every corner of adventures and good or bad times had with them. Hilariously, I think this city is a more painful reminder than the one I live in now, where I grew up with all 3 of these people.
But why the shut down? Why the frantic texting to my friends about what to do? Why the chugging of the martini? I'm stronger, smarter, and happier than I ever was with him. I'm accomplished, settled, handfasted, and in love. So why can he just reduce me to that mess?
Much like drug addictions and other decencies, when we encounter something we grew accustomed to, our body begins the preparations to deal with it. In this case, shame, fear and shrinking to prepare to try and avoid his attentions, avoid feeling like a fat whale, avoid his eye-rolling and demeaning remarks, avoid feeling like an idiot all the time.
This is ok, and I need to not beat myself up over it. We all have weaknesses, struggles, and reactions to people and things we had a poor experience with. We may grow stronger, but that doesn't mean that wound doesn't twinge when we see the knife that made it. Life is full of pains we'd rather not repeat. We learn to duck when Rafiki swings that staff the second time, or when Rafiki walks in your direction in a bar after you haven't seen him for 4 years.
The universe is not without a sense of irony, or so I'm told. While the experience was mildly embarrassing and uncomfortable, it only served to strengthen my resolve about continuing to make my life better.
Living well is the best revenge.
Alan dealt like a champ, and in the end, best I could tell, nothing happened. No looks or words exchanged, and if he didn't know I was there, if he ever reads this, he'll know now. But it makes no real difference in this account, as he has no true power over me, just the shadows of an old pain. The shock was enough to cause me to shrink in, rather than fan my feathers, but it doesn't change or diminish all my amazing accomplishments.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Break ups come in all forms.
I'm going to flex my shiny new college degree here. It's relevant.
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Romantic, familial, platonic, even our relationship with our pets.
I'm a human being. I'm flawed. I make mistakes. Sometimes monumental, sometimes minor. But forgiving your friends of these flaws is part of bonding and building a relationship. Talking out those differences and even arguing are all ways that we learn about each other, find out our friends' true natures. But these conflicts can only be helpful when approached and handled correctly.
In one of my classes in the fall semester, Interpersonal Communication, we learned about conflict. One of the best parts of that class was actually this section. Two of the things always stick out in my mind, and they are about the lead up to an argument.
Know what you're arguing about. Fight about problems that can be solved.
First, know what you're arguing about. This may be more tricky than you think. Very recently another situation in my life was causing conflict and forcing me to be on the receiving end of some very frustrating stuff. But when you dig deeper, you find that the person wasn't even that upset about the topic at hand, but rather personal issues from another part of life. We often let things boil under our skin for a long time, for any variety of reasons. But sometimes we leave it under there for two long, and rather than get directed at the actual source of the problem, it gets directed at the person who happens to trigger us next. But when that happens, that person has no idea why they have become the target, you have no idea why you're actually angry at them and just unload a bunch of feels on someone who didn't cause them. You have all these feels! And those feels are valid! But are they even remotely related to the person you're unloading them on? Or say it is the person responsible for all your frustration, you still need to be clear about what you're having a conflict over. If you can't articulate it, you're not ready for conflict. Because you can't adequately explain to the other person what is wrong, and the other person then can't understand what the problem is.
Fight about problems that can be solved. If you are fighting with you significant other because her mother has never liked you and you think she's got it out for you, there's no solution there. She can't magically make her mother like you, she can't find a solution that will fix the situation. There is no solution to that problem, and arguing will only make the relationship more tense, pick away at it, potentially breaking it in the end. But perhaps the problem isn't actually about the mother's feelings (again, know what you're arguing about) but instead they're about how your significant other is handling the situation. Perhaps she isn't standing up to her mother, or perhaps she just allows her mother to berate you in front of the family because she's too afraid to speak up. THAT is a problem with a solution. The two of you can sit down and talk about how she's handling her mother, and if the conflict is fruitful, she might see what she's doing (or not doing in this case) is hurting you and agree that in the future she will stand up to her mother and make her voice heard. This not only will strengthen your bond with each other, it might even have the side effect of making the mother quieter about her displeasure. And whatever the situation is, have a solution in mind. Even if the other person doesn't agree to it, having a solution in mind creates a good place to become brainstorming a good compromise or a different solution. If the other person (or people I guess) see what you want to happen, what you see as a solution, they have a direction to work towards. Even if the end result wasn't what you had planned, there is still a much stronger possibility that a solution CAN be made.
Conflict is part of everything, both in our society, and in nature. Conflict is what powers evolution and progress, conflict creates war but it also creates difference and beauty. Pain, as much as we try to avoid it, is a natural part of our existence, and without it we cannot appreciate the good things we have. And conflict leads to better solutions because it makes it more likely we can please both parties rather than just one, when handled correctly. I'm only human, and I hurt those around me just like we all do. But I have always striven to be able to bridge the gap and reach a hand across. As one of my Professors, Dr. Hollenbaugh, said in another class I took in the fall, "Trying to understand each other, trying to get there together, to find that overlap is often more important than actually understanding." All relationships are built on the strength of trying to get there, whether or not we actually do. I disagree with almost everyone about something. Some people find me contrary and frustrating, but those who see past that see that I'm not being negative, I'm making sure that people have assessed all options. That they have thought of all possibilities. Many of my teachers in high school and professors in college have appreciated my constant need to play the devil's advocate. I'm not here to make you feel wrong or stupid, I simply disagree to try and make you look at something from a different perspective. I'm not even a negative person, but many people perceive me as one. I guess that's ok. People have to be angry at someone. I guess that's me. But ask anyone close to me and they will tell you about how I always see the positive in people, even the ones I don't like. I do my best to help those that I can help rather than just watching them flail and burn. And sometimes they flail and burn me instead of taking the help, and I deal with that too. I don't let people say nasty things about others, I do what I can to try and keep that to a minimum. Even when discussing situations that hurt me and hurt my friends, I always try to remind people that the one everyone may be upset with has feelings and needs too, and that this is less likely some malicious attack and much more likely another hurt person trying to defend all those feels they have.
And we're back to feels. Of which I currently have a mountain of. Because sometimes there really is nothing we can do when we are not presented with any solution. I am only able to do so much, I'm not a superhero. I'd be a terrible one anyways, "with my laundry list of character flaws, mistakes I’ve made." (Thanks Tony.) I can't give you the moon if you don't tell me that's what you want. I'm not psychic, though I am intuitive. I am a lot of things. But those things can only do so much, and expecting more of me is just setting me up to fail. I would do anything for my friends, but first they have to tell me what they want me to do.
I'm human, and I love my flaws.
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Romantic, familial, platonic, even our relationship with our pets.
I'm a human being. I'm flawed. I make mistakes. Sometimes monumental, sometimes minor. But forgiving your friends of these flaws is part of bonding and building a relationship. Talking out those differences and even arguing are all ways that we learn about each other, find out our friends' true natures. But these conflicts can only be helpful when approached and handled correctly.
In one of my classes in the fall semester, Interpersonal Communication, we learned about conflict. One of the best parts of that class was actually this section. Two of the things always stick out in my mind, and they are about the lead up to an argument.
Know what you're arguing about. Fight about problems that can be solved.
First, know what you're arguing about. This may be more tricky than you think. Very recently another situation in my life was causing conflict and forcing me to be on the receiving end of some very frustrating stuff. But when you dig deeper, you find that the person wasn't even that upset about the topic at hand, but rather personal issues from another part of life. We often let things boil under our skin for a long time, for any variety of reasons. But sometimes we leave it under there for two long, and rather than get directed at the actual source of the problem, it gets directed at the person who happens to trigger us next. But when that happens, that person has no idea why they have become the target, you have no idea why you're actually angry at them and just unload a bunch of feels on someone who didn't cause them. You have all these feels! And those feels are valid! But are they even remotely related to the person you're unloading them on? Or say it is the person responsible for all your frustration, you still need to be clear about what you're having a conflict over. If you can't articulate it, you're not ready for conflict. Because you can't adequately explain to the other person what is wrong, and the other person then can't understand what the problem is.
Fight about problems that can be solved. If you are fighting with you significant other because her mother has never liked you and you think she's got it out for you, there's no solution there. She can't magically make her mother like you, she can't find a solution that will fix the situation. There is no solution to that problem, and arguing will only make the relationship more tense, pick away at it, potentially breaking it in the end. But perhaps the problem isn't actually about the mother's feelings (again, know what you're arguing about) but instead they're about how your significant other is handling the situation. Perhaps she isn't standing up to her mother, or perhaps she just allows her mother to berate you in front of the family because she's too afraid to speak up. THAT is a problem with a solution. The two of you can sit down and talk about how she's handling her mother, and if the conflict is fruitful, she might see what she's doing (or not doing in this case) is hurting you and agree that in the future she will stand up to her mother and make her voice heard. This not only will strengthen your bond with each other, it might even have the side effect of making the mother quieter about her displeasure. And whatever the situation is, have a solution in mind. Even if the other person doesn't agree to it, having a solution in mind creates a good place to become brainstorming a good compromise or a different solution. If the other person (or people I guess) see what you want to happen, what you see as a solution, they have a direction to work towards. Even if the end result wasn't what you had planned, there is still a much stronger possibility that a solution CAN be made.
Conflict is part of everything, both in our society, and in nature. Conflict is what powers evolution and progress, conflict creates war but it also creates difference and beauty. Pain, as much as we try to avoid it, is a natural part of our existence, and without it we cannot appreciate the good things we have. And conflict leads to better solutions because it makes it more likely we can please both parties rather than just one, when handled correctly. I'm only human, and I hurt those around me just like we all do. But I have always striven to be able to bridge the gap and reach a hand across. As one of my Professors, Dr. Hollenbaugh, said in another class I took in the fall, "Trying to understand each other, trying to get there together, to find that overlap is often more important than actually understanding." All relationships are built on the strength of trying to get there, whether or not we actually do. I disagree with almost everyone about something. Some people find me contrary and frustrating, but those who see past that see that I'm not being negative, I'm making sure that people have assessed all options. That they have thought of all possibilities. Many of my teachers in high school and professors in college have appreciated my constant need to play the devil's advocate. I'm not here to make you feel wrong or stupid, I simply disagree to try and make you look at something from a different perspective. I'm not even a negative person, but many people perceive me as one. I guess that's ok. People have to be angry at someone. I guess that's me. But ask anyone close to me and they will tell you about how I always see the positive in people, even the ones I don't like. I do my best to help those that I can help rather than just watching them flail and burn. And sometimes they flail and burn me instead of taking the help, and I deal with that too. I don't let people say nasty things about others, I do what I can to try and keep that to a minimum. Even when discussing situations that hurt me and hurt my friends, I always try to remind people that the one everyone may be upset with has feelings and needs too, and that this is less likely some malicious attack and much more likely another hurt person trying to defend all those feels they have.
And we're back to feels. Of which I currently have a mountain of. Because sometimes there really is nothing we can do when we are not presented with any solution. I am only able to do so much, I'm not a superhero. I'd be a terrible one anyways, "with my laundry list of character flaws, mistakes I’ve made." (Thanks Tony.) I can't give you the moon if you don't tell me that's what you want. I'm not psychic, though I am intuitive. I am a lot of things. But those things can only do so much, and expecting more of me is just setting me up to fail. I would do anything for my friends, but first they have to tell me what they want me to do.
I'm human, and I love my flaws.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Am I too cynical?
It's a fair question, seeing as I run an entire blog based on my divorce.
Someone told me today they were tired of my cynical opinion, and in specific it was relating to my opinion on marriage.
Which seems strange as I am currently excitedly getting ready to get married a second time, after the last one ended in a big ball o' flames that SHOULD have made me hate men forever. And wasn't even all that long ago really. I am cautious, at worst. Especially about those who marry young. When my brother and his wife got engaged, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. They were 20. And I also had a 4 hour conversation with her about it. But I love them both and knew that if they made up their minds, it was going to happen, and that was the end of it. They seem to be doing just fine, and that's all I'm really concerned about. In the end, marriage is about what's right for you and your partner. Not what other people have to say.
But let's be real for just a moment...
People who marry young don't have great odds. I'm not saying that every couple that marries young will divorce, but the chances are higher for them than those who wait.
This entire episode today took place because this article was posted.
I married young. What are the rest of you waiting for?
It ruffled my feathers, to say the least.
Again, marriage is a decision each person has to make. And no one's solution is a one-size-fits-all. Mine certainly wasn't/isn't, but neither is the author of this piece's advice. The entire tone of it condescends to those who don't marry early, insinuating that either those who hold off and wait are under some misconception that marriage is a thing we do once we're done being kids, "all grown up" and ready to settle down for a life of boredom, or that the people don't get married young because they want to date around and find their "soul mate." She argues instead that it is it's own new learning experience and growing up experience, and that your partner "becomes" your soul mate, that there is no such thing all on it's own.
I don't disagree with the basic idea here, but I also know that most people don't finish changing psychologically until they are 25, if even then. And with divorce rates what they are, who isn't scared to get married and have it crash and burn? With the stigma still attached to divorce, no one wants such a public failure, especially after a lavish wedding! And the element of social media makes these break ups quite public. And why wouldn't I want to date around until I found the most compatible mate. Someone I know I can spend my life with? I'm not saying we all have to find a soul mate, marriage is a choice, but I'm still going to choose someone that is best suited to spend their life with me and I with them!
I fear for people around me. I am not cynical about marriage. I think it's great. It's why I'm such a strong supported of marriage equality. Because for those of us who want it, we should have it. I've said it before, marriage isn't for everyone. Some people function best without all that legal crap. And I respect that. But for those of us who do, marriage is a personal decision, best left to your personal beliefs, personal life, and personal relationships. Marrying young isn't for everyone. It's for a pretty select few as it turns out. I wasn't one of those, and I've seen enough of them crash and burn around me to not want to see people I care about fall there too.
People may think I write this blog to preach about my life, or how awful X was to me. People may think I do it to "hear my own voice." Maybe, in some way, that's true.
But the real reason I write this blog is because of how isolated and alone and ashamed I felt after X left me. Because no one around me could understand. Because I wanted so very badly to feel less alone, and the resources just weren't there. My life is a mostly open book, so I am putting it up here for people to read in hopes that my life, my poor choices can serve as a cautionary tale to those who may be where I was. I can't save everyone. I can't tell you what to do with your life, and I would never deign to do so.
This is another fact some people would likely contest and say I've butted my nose in where it doesn't belong regarding my friends' relationships.
This is also a direct result of my failed marriage.
In the weeks following my return to my hometown, almost 100% of my friends told me how they all thought X was a scumbag and all guessed that this would happen. They all said they knew he was not right for me.
And not a single one stepped up to say "Hey, he's being incredibly emotionally abusive." or "I don't think this behavior is healthy for you two, you should really think about this more."
No, instead, everyone just congratulated me on my engagement. And when I was getting cold feet and asking for second opinions? Just a second round of the above comments.
So I will not be silent. I will not shut up. I am not cynical about marriage. But I am cynical about our perceptions of what marriage is. The truth is... none of us know what marriage really is. Not me, and I've been married. But my former marriage was nothing like what my upcoming marriage will be. My parents' marriage is nothing like what yours is/will be. Marriage is as individual as those entering it. For some it is more traditional, but for some of us it is something completely new. And maybe I am preaching to the choir. But I'll keep preaching.
I do this because I love you. I love you even if I don't know you, and I want you to be happy. I don't want people to get hurt. If anything I write can serve as a warning to the things you shouldn't let happen to you, then I am happy to keep doing this. But if all this sounds like is a constant whine-fest about my life... then perhaps it is time to shut down this blog.
But I don't think that's the case. I think that I have readers who genuinely benefit from my posts. Even if it's my fellow divorcees who take solace in knowing they aren't alone in their struggles and pain. I know that you can't tell people some things. That people have to learn from their own mistakes. But that's not entirely true. So many of us DO learn from seeing those around us make bad decisions and knowing that's exactly what we don't want to do. So unless I get a resounded "STFU" response to this entry, I'll keep typing away for you.
Because I love you.
Someone told me today they were tired of my cynical opinion, and in specific it was relating to my opinion on marriage.
Which seems strange as I am currently excitedly getting ready to get married a second time, after the last one ended in a big ball o' flames that SHOULD have made me hate men forever. And wasn't even all that long ago really. I am cautious, at worst. Especially about those who marry young. When my brother and his wife got engaged, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. They were 20. And I also had a 4 hour conversation with her about it. But I love them both and knew that if they made up their minds, it was going to happen, and that was the end of it. They seem to be doing just fine, and that's all I'm really concerned about. In the end, marriage is about what's right for you and your partner. Not what other people have to say.
But let's be real for just a moment...
People who marry young don't have great odds. I'm not saying that every couple that marries young will divorce, but the chances are higher for them than those who wait.
This entire episode today took place because this article was posted.
I married young. What are the rest of you waiting for?
It ruffled my feathers, to say the least.
Again, marriage is a decision each person has to make. And no one's solution is a one-size-fits-all. Mine certainly wasn't/isn't, but neither is the author of this piece's advice. The entire tone of it condescends to those who don't marry early, insinuating that either those who hold off and wait are under some misconception that marriage is a thing we do once we're done being kids, "all grown up" and ready to settle down for a life of boredom, or that the people don't get married young because they want to date around and find their "soul mate." She argues instead that it is it's own new learning experience and growing up experience, and that your partner "becomes" your soul mate, that there is no such thing all on it's own.
I don't disagree with the basic idea here, but I also know that most people don't finish changing psychologically until they are 25, if even then. And with divorce rates what they are, who isn't scared to get married and have it crash and burn? With the stigma still attached to divorce, no one wants such a public failure, especially after a lavish wedding! And the element of social media makes these break ups quite public. And why wouldn't I want to date around until I found the most compatible mate. Someone I know I can spend my life with? I'm not saying we all have to find a soul mate, marriage is a choice, but I'm still going to choose someone that is best suited to spend their life with me and I with them!
I fear for people around me. I am not cynical about marriage. I think it's great. It's why I'm such a strong supported of marriage equality. Because for those of us who want it, we should have it. I've said it before, marriage isn't for everyone. Some people function best without all that legal crap. And I respect that. But for those of us who do, marriage is a personal decision, best left to your personal beliefs, personal life, and personal relationships. Marrying young isn't for everyone. It's for a pretty select few as it turns out. I wasn't one of those, and I've seen enough of them crash and burn around me to not want to see people I care about fall there too.
People may think I write this blog to preach about my life, or how awful X was to me. People may think I do it to "hear my own voice." Maybe, in some way, that's true.
But the real reason I write this blog is because of how isolated and alone and ashamed I felt after X left me. Because no one around me could understand. Because I wanted so very badly to feel less alone, and the resources just weren't there. My life is a mostly open book, so I am putting it up here for people to read in hopes that my life, my poor choices can serve as a cautionary tale to those who may be where I was. I can't save everyone. I can't tell you what to do with your life, and I would never deign to do so.
This is another fact some people would likely contest and say I've butted my nose in where it doesn't belong regarding my friends' relationships.
This is also a direct result of my failed marriage.
In the weeks following my return to my hometown, almost 100% of my friends told me how they all thought X was a scumbag and all guessed that this would happen. They all said they knew he was not right for me.
And not a single one stepped up to say "Hey, he's being incredibly emotionally abusive." or "I don't think this behavior is healthy for you two, you should really think about this more."
No, instead, everyone just congratulated me on my engagement. And when I was getting cold feet and asking for second opinions? Just a second round of the above comments.
So I will not be silent. I will not shut up. I am not cynical about marriage. But I am cynical about our perceptions of what marriage is. The truth is... none of us know what marriage really is. Not me, and I've been married. But my former marriage was nothing like what my upcoming marriage will be. My parents' marriage is nothing like what yours is/will be. Marriage is as individual as those entering it. For some it is more traditional, but for some of us it is something completely new. And maybe I am preaching to the choir. But I'll keep preaching.
I do this because I love you. I love you even if I don't know you, and I want you to be happy. I don't want people to get hurt. If anything I write can serve as a warning to the things you shouldn't let happen to you, then I am happy to keep doing this. But if all this sounds like is a constant whine-fest about my life... then perhaps it is time to shut down this blog.
But I don't think that's the case. I think that I have readers who genuinely benefit from my posts. Even if it's my fellow divorcees who take solace in knowing they aren't alone in their struggles and pain. I know that you can't tell people some things. That people have to learn from their own mistakes. But that's not entirely true. So many of us DO learn from seeing those around us make bad decisions and knowing that's exactly what we don't want to do. So unless I get a resounded "STFU" response to this entry, I'll keep typing away for you.
Because I love you.
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