Forgiveness

The first part of moving on after being hurt by someone you love is learning to forgive. You may disagree, because perhaps you never forgave someone who hurt you. Then you haven't truly moved on. There are people in my past that I still haven't forgiven. I'm working on that. I've been learning a lot about loving people for who they are and loving their flaws. I've always been that way, but now I am learning to blanket that to people who have wronged me, not just those I hold dear. I know it doesn't seem it, but I really have forgiven X. He thinks he had to act the way he did. I'm not sure why he thinks that, but I'm sure he has justifications that make it so he doesn't feel bad about what he did, and that is what he does best. Self-preservation. I can understand that, and I forgave him long ago, and as a fellow human just trying to figure it out as we all do, I love him anyways. I don't like him. I don't want to be friends with him, but much like you feel about your siblings when you are a child, I love him despite it.

Time and time again I am tested in my ability to love and forgive those that wrong me. I understand how scary facing new situations and scary people is. I'm a scary person. As one of my best friends like to remind me, I'm a fire-breather. People are scared of me. I've never understood why, but heaven help you if you hurt me or mine, so perhaps there is something to that. And more than anger it is scary to face someone you have disappointed.

But I am breathing in and breathing out. That is all we can do. As long as you are still breathing, everything else is bonus. And as I breathe I remember why the people who have hurt me have done it. I understand, and I love them for it. I will not condone or support it. I will not like it. And sometimes I will not like them. But I will love them. It's what I do, it's how I operate. If I don't let myself love everyone, I will turn bitter and hateful and crumble in on myself, and those that rely on me will lose the support they need.

A few years ago, a friend betrayed me in so many ways I can't even count them on one hand. I have still not forgiven that person completely. But I do still love them. Maybe my capacity for love is my strongest asset. I don't know.

Regardless, forgiving someone is a whole hell of a lot easier when they apologize. Forgiveness is a lesson I have to learn every day, but humility and regret for hurting those who love us should be a lesson we all learn daily as well. Who knows how many we hurt with the things we do?

The Power of No

There is something to be said for not getting your way all the time.

You see it every day, especially if you work in retail like I do. Children throwing tantrums until Mommy or Daddy gives them EXACTLY what they want. And we all know these behaviors continue well into adulthood if not checked early on. And I have found that as I have grown, constantly being denied the things I have wanted so desperately has had two results.

First, by not getting what I wanted when I wanted it, I have ended up with getting exactly what I NEEDED almost the entirety of my life. I have never been starving on a street corner. I have always had somewhere to live thanks to the generosity of many friends. And when I was unable to help myself, I have always had those around to help me get through times of need. I have had periods of extreme poverty when I couldn't pay my bills, keep my phone turned on, or even take my cats to the vet. And even now I am facing some hardship due to mounting hospital bills that I am not totally sure how to pay off. But luckily I have always made it through and been able to continue on. And now I have a home with a wonderful man who is patient, funny, and loving, and we are learning together how to be better adults and a better team. I have a strong partner who knows when to tell me that no, I can't have every toy I want. (Harumph!) But he still finds ways to spoil me and show me he loves me.

One of the hardest things, for me, about my divorce was not exactly losing a husband, but more that I was losing my footing and progress I had made on the path to being a mom. I'm so excited for the chance to someday have children and be a part of someone's life the way a mother is. And when X left me, all that time I had invested and progress I had thought I was making was taken away from me. And my ovaries had already become so very very very loud. Once you get to that point, you really can't even turn it off. But when I look back and see what a terrible pair of parents X and I would have been, I am grateful we don't have a kid stuck between us getting confused and bitter because the two of us can't get along even for our kid. (Sorry to say, but as much as X liked pushing my buttons just to make me look like a huge bitch in front of his friends, I can only imagine he would do it even worse to his ex-wife that he would then share custody of a kid with to make the kid like him more.) And now that I have had the things denied me, like marriage, a home, kids, I can appreciate them now more than ever because I worked so hard to get where I am. I see privileged kids in my store every day who have no appreciation for that iPod touch their parents just bought them for their birthday, or who complain about how their older model doesn't have the forward facing camera on it and that they need the new one, even if theirs was only 2 years old. "I don't WANT a hand me down, buy me a new one!" I applaud the parents who deny their kids these things. Please keep doing that, your children will be better people for it.

I see a lot of people getting their way all the time, and the truth is, I don't think they even know what it is they truly want. It just feels so good to get their way, they aren't paying attention to what it is they just got. And like a child as soon as they are bored with that thing, they will drop it and forget it. Not even bother to put it back on the shelf. Drop and forget.

We have to work to appreciate all that we have, because if it is just given to us, we don't truly know it's value. Alan & I will be footing the bill for our wedding pretty much on our own. And we know what this means, and have assessed the value. We know what we are investing. And we will know how to appreciate all the people who spend their time and money to come share that day with us. I have traveled such a long and hard road here, that I am so very fond of the callouses I have formed on my feet to make it.

Everybody's got a dark side...

Please, watch this video before you read the rest of my entry. It's ok, I'll wait.

So it may seem like a pretty cliche video, but it managed to pull a few tears from my eyes. I was doing just fine until the bit about the woman getting a divorce. Obviously this pulls my heart strings because I get it, but it was so weird. I loved this song the second I heard it when I bought this album, but seeing the video now made it strike home so much more. And the tears weren't sad exactly, but it definitely pulls up some deep emotions for me. Sometimes it's so easy to brush my past under the rug because I always tell myself "oh it was only 10 months long, it wasn't a real marriage," but by doing so I completely invalidate the hurt that I felt and still occasionally feel when I think about what happened to me. And those feelings are still valid, so I don't know why I do that.

But I watched this video, and as a few tears rolled down my face, I really began to appreciate how much so many people have done for me, and have helped me with my demons, my dark side. Alan is a prime example, but I've obviously talked about him quite a bit, so let's shift the focus a little. It's been brought to the forefront of my mind again lately what a huge help the summer that followed my divorce was for my recovery from all that I had been through.

First, my best friend, Liz. Liz and I have been best friends since our freshman year in high school. We were two weird, awkward teens who didn't care how weird anyone else thought we were, and we embraced each other for it. As we've grown our relationship has changed and matured, turned corners and then turned back again, but at this particular point in our lives, something happened simultaneously. A mere month before X and I began our dating relationship, Liz began dating her childhood sweetheart. And yet another mere month before X left me, Liz chose to end her relationship with this guy. Our lives were changing in almost the exact same way at the same time. Liz moved back in with her mom, and I moved back to live with my parents. But neither of us wanted to stay there, it just wasn't going to work for us. And my parents offered a solution. They offered to rent us my childhood home. It was the best offer we could have gotten. I couldn't have possibly gotten approved for a lease somewhere, living on unemployment, and we both didn't really want to move somewhere too unfamiliar. We were both in need of serious healing, and this place had always been so familiar and warm. We jumped at the opportunity, we couldn't wait to move in, so we moved as soon as we could. The power wasn't even turned on, but we didn't give any fucks, we walked around at night to candle light, lit the gas stove with matches to make our food, and had a great time. Over the course of the next three months, living there with just us was perfect. We ate meals together, fucked around in our great backyard, threw epic parties and had the best summer we could have possibly had. And our nights spent consoling one another, our backyard chats, and everything else brought us very close to one another. Liz accompanied me to my dissolution hearing, helped me pack up the things left at X's apartment that day, and she made it all much more bearable. I don't know what I would have done without her. <3

Second, I would like to talk a bit about Ian. Some people might find this odd, or even potentially awkward. But I don't really care. Ian was instrumental in not just rebuilding my self-esteem, but opening my eyes to all of the shit I let X control and bury within me. Ian and I have known each other for over 6 years now, probably 7. He & I had always had a weird tension we could never resolve, and it was most assuredly due to having a strong attraction to one another. When X left, Ian made it a point to be there for me, and was incredibly helpful in getting Liz & I settled into our home together, he came over to hang out with us regularly, and when I couldn't bear to be alone, he was there to stay with me. This amount of closeness lead to us finally admitting how we felt and ended up together. It was never my intention to start dating so soon after X left, it just sort of happened. Eventually we broke up, but that time in between was some of the most amazing recovery I could have ever asked for. Ian never let me stop believing in myself and always did everything he could to bring up out of the dark depths I might have slipped into otherwise. He refused to let me beat myself up when I wanted to and constantly reminded me that I was better than X had ever let me believe I was. He created a safe haven and gave me ideas and motivations to create a new purpose for myself and never once did he tear me down. When others around me treated me like an immature child and brushed me off, Ian defended me, built me up, and gave me the tools to continue improving myself. When I later asked him if he had only dated me in order to help me fix myself, he said no, he dated me because he wanted to, because he cared about me, the other stuff was all a happy side-effect. The amount of good a healthy, loving relationship can do for you is amazing. We weren't a great match at that point, and it ended about 5-6 months after it began, and at the time, the break-up was hard, but thanks to all the work Ian had put in, I handled it a lot better than even I thought possible. I have become self-reliant emotionally and I was able to recover and put myself out there in time to meet and catch the best thing that has ever happened to me. (Pssst, I'm referring to Alan.) And now I have gained an incredibly dear and valuable friend in Ian. It took so long and was so painful at points, but the road that lead me to where I am is the best thing I could have asked for. Ian is a most loyal friend and a truly dependable person who I can turn to whenever I need anything.

There were others over that summer that helped me in various other ways, but those two made it a part of their lives to help me recover and become who I needed to be to find my path. I feel fortunate every day for the time they invested in me to help me heal and rebound back. I bend so far in order not to break, but even when bending, you need that support structure. And with the distance now between myself and that part of my life, I can look back and see just how great these two were for me at that time, and how much their influence continues to resound in my life today. And they never once let my dark side define me.

And back to Alan, he's dealt with his fair share of my dark side. He's seen me at my worst, he's seen me break down, and he still sees the shadows that X left in my life. And you can see when it frustrates him, but he's not frustrated with me, but with the damage left behind. But he's never let it deter him. He, just like my best friends, sees the potential and everything I am and can be. He sees how hard I am working to make my life (and his) as great as I possibly can. He's made things better every day, even when he makes me mad or upset. There is nothing he wouldn't do for me, and it's so amazing to see this love grow and prosper in spite of my shadows.

Sometimes....

Alan & I are all moved in to our new home. The huge ass house that we bought. That Alan bought for me.

Sometimes, living well is the best revenge.

Stepping forward, never back.

In the last week, I've experienced some stuff.

Yeah. That was SUPER descriptive. XD

So on Saturday, Alan decided to head out of town for a beer tasting event. They were getting a hotel and staying the night. I was not looking forward to spending the evening alone, BUT I was going to be closing at work that night, then opening again the following morning, so time spent alone pretty minimal besides sleeping.
However, as the evening at work wore on, I began to experience large amounts of pain for seemingly no reason, so my manager sent me home. I called a friend to stay the night in case I needed to go to the ER, but I was so sure it was some kind of muscle thing, as was Alan. In the morning, I felt ok, but still sore, so I called off to play it safe, no need to stress it. Once Alan arrived home, I woke up a second time, feeling pretty awful again, so we headed to an urgent care facility. From there, they told us I had some kind of gall bladder inflammation, and didn't want to waste any of my time, get to the ER and get an ultrasound.

Joy.

We spent the next 7 1/2 hours in the ER, they poked me, prodded me, took fluids, xrays, ultrasounds, blah blah blah. They didn't do much really except say "Yup. It's your gall bladder. Here's some pain meds. Eat a bland diet. Talk to a surgeon. It might have to come out."

Thanks, that was helpful.

Regardless, the entire experience, including my recovery the day after and other days following, and Alan's behavior the entire time has shown me once again what a great man he is.

But that in and of itself is showing me something great. I used to think that making steps backwards or sliding backwards from time to time was normal in a relationship. I'm not saying that we don't make mistakes or something, but Alan and I have never taken steps back. We always make progress, or stand still for a while. We take a step up the ladder, and maybe we'll hang out on that rung a while, but we won't go backwards. There's nothing there for us! We have about a week left to get our duplex packed as we move into our new home. OURS. And it just keeps looking like we are stepping forwards.

My entire experience with X always seemed like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Progress was slow when it happened, which was sporadic at best. We would address an issue only for it to come up again a few months down the line. So much frustration built up that I think even though we believed we loved each other, we totally resented one another at the same time. It didn't help that expectations were never the same or that they weren't clear either. It's so frustrating when I see myself expecting behaviors that X exhibited when Alan has never been like him, but it's so ingrained in me now that I don't know how else to react sometimes.

Alan came to see me at work yesterday. I told him I was feeling depressed, and I just didn't know why. He said that we needed to have a talk about optimism, and that I need to not worry about packing. He claims he's going to take care of all of it. I need to focus on getting better, getting my dress made for a wedding we're attending this weekend, and getting finals all wrapped up at school. He came to work just to cheer me up and tell me it's all going to be ok. And when I got home from work that night, the dining room was half empty and the living room as well. He really hauled ass. XD

<3

Always moving forward.

The Name Dilemma

This dilemma might be unique for me since it's not an issue of having kids with a certain last name or anything... but I haven't yet decided what I want to do about my last name.

I love the idea of taking Alan's name, but (no offense, dearest love) I am not really all that attached to his name in particular. There's nothing really wrong with it, and it's certainly more Irish than my own. Or according to a name website Welsh.... Hm. Either way, my current last name is German, which, I'm actually not very much German as much as I am Irish. EITHER WAY, here's the deal.

When my mom married dad, she decided to hyphenate her name. Throughout my life, this question, when I asked her, was answered several different ways. But to this day, the idea of hyphenating a long name into becoming a ridiculously long name has continued to baffle me. But the idea BEHIND it did always make sense to me. Why does a woman have to change her name? The short of it, she doesn't. However, growing up, I wasn't terribly attached to my last name. So when I married X, I had no qualms about taking his last name. But, of course, when he left me, I certainly had no desire to keep that name. It was so uncomfortable for me to have it. But I didn't want to go back to the ridiculously long name I'd had before. So in the proceedings, I asked the judge if it would be possible to take just my dad's last name. It's shorter, it suits me, and I resemble his side of the family just a bit more than I do my mom's. The judge didn't see why not, and I got the name I had wanted since I was a kid (sans a middle name, but that's another story). I knew that someday I would marry again, but until then, this was much simpler.

But now coming to that decision again, I find myself more reluctant to take on my new husband-to-be's name. My last name now is actually a result of everything I have been through. I feel like I really truly own it, and I'm so hesitant to give it up. But I also know how much it would mean to Alan if I took his name. And yes, I did try to convince him to take my name instead, but that was put to rest rather quickly. He has said that he won't mind if I don't take his name, but I very much want some kind of united family name. So I don't know just yet what I want to do.

Thoughts? *Please do leave me comments, and leave them here, on my blog!!*

Something beautiful.

Just....  This makes my heart all a flutter for so many reasons. I did cry. I immediately ran into the other room and hugged him when he posted this. (It was a post I started by talking about the Pagan roots of Easter's celebrations and being frustrated and isolated by Christians all posting about Easter. Some people took it as me complaining about Christians and I got very frustrated.)

He's the best. I don't NEED a knight to come & save me, but it's nice when you have one standing beside you in the fight. <3